OK, I know, I basically took a month off. I needed to. This show was just getting to me and I’m not someone who can deal with being force-fed shit. But I have time and am sitting in a hotel with nothing to do so I’m gonna give this another whirl. It’s been long enough.
I’ve watched a lot of other things in between which I probably should have reviewed for the hell of it, but I didn’t because I suck.
But I will be better with getting content up here. Maybe not everyday, but more than there has been recently. Promise.
S.3, E.8: “The Fifth Turtle”. Original Air Date: October 30th, 1989
It’s been a while, so once again, I pop huge for the intro theme. It seriously does such a good job of getting you excited to be watching this show. The energy, the colors, the characters. All, just terrific.
We begin in the lair late at night where the Turtles have the munchies. They’re also all out of shredded mozzarella and send Donatello and Raphael to go to the all-night market so they can make pizza. Because god forbid any of them have a fucking sandwich or some pretzel rods or something.
They two get their groceries and decide to take a shortcut through an alley where they’re encountered by a gang of toughs. As they get ready to throw down, a kid in a TMNT Halloween costume jumps in front of them and threatens the thugs declaring himself as Zach another of the superhero Turtles. We all see where this going. The kid basically falls on his dumb face immediately, but Raph and Donnie take care of business with ease. The two real Turtles then tell Zach that he’s not a Turtle and he could have gotten hurt which causes the little guy to run away upset that his heroes wouldn’t appreciate his efforts. On the way out, though, he picks up Raph’s TurtleCom which was lost during the kerfuffle and states that he’ll show them that he can be just as tubular or some shit. I don’t know. I already disdain this kid.
Cut to the Technodrome where Krang is providing an astronomy lesson for Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady. There’s some kind of planetary alignment coming tomorrow night that – with the use of Krang’s new weapon and some strategically placed crystals – will finally raise the Technodrome back to the surface.
We head to Channel 6 News where April O’Neil is getting a hot tip that there’s been a break-in at a lab and Bebop and Rocksteady have been spotted. She hits up the TMNT on the TurtleCom to let them know, but Zach also gets the message on his newly found device and is hyped to join in on the action.
Shredder is leading a robbery at the lab to steal the crystals Krang needs, but the Turtles interrupt and have him dead to rights until fuckboi Zach comes rolling in on his bicycle and ruins everything. The tables have now turned and Shredder has the advantage. Zach has a close call with death, but is saved at the last second by Raphael. Shredder and his mutants are able to use the distraction to escape with the crystals and keep their plans in tact for the raising of the Technodrome, but not before Rocksteady blabs the whole plan to April on their way out.
Zach is able to track the Turtles back to their lair using his junior detective kit that looks like something you’d order from the back of a comic in the 80s. Splinter is actually impressed that Zach has done what others have been unable to do and find the lair. The Turtles give him a quick tour and offer him some pizza because, hey, they’ve got time to kill before squashing Shredder and Krang’s evil plan, right? Everybody needs to take a blow here and there. Splinter then advises Zach not to interfere going forward because nobody wants to see him get hurt.
Shredder decides to use Zach’s enthusiasm for his benefit and calls the police to report that he found a bicycle and would like to return it. He gives the cops a license plate number and the police are more than happy to give him Zach’s address thinking that he’s a good Samaritan and not at all a child rapist.
Let’s take a moment. The cops just tell Shredder the address like it ain’t no thang. What in the glorious fuck?! Like, in the 80s, weren’t we all terrified of people snatching children from everywhere?! Pay close attention to your kids in the supermarket, folks! Or else people will grab them and you’ll never see them ever again! That shit was real! “America’s Most Wanted” was basically created for just that type of shit! And here’s the NYPD just GIVING Shredder a local boy’s address because he happened to have the license plate number of the kid’s bicycle. (And don’t get me started on just how ludicrous it is for bicycles to have a license plate. Come the fuck on.) But yeah. Who just gives out this kind of information?! Now I hope Bebop eats this fucking kid and the NYPD all get fired for providing a known villain with his home address without even asking who was calling or anything.
OK, I’m back from that tangent. That was intense, eh? Fine, let’s see what else happens.
Bebop and Rocksteady go to Zach’s house, but are pretty loud about it and Zach is able to hide to avoid getting taken. Bebop says it doesn’t matter if they find the kid because once they get the crystals set up, the Turtles won’t be able to stop them from raising the Technodrome. Zach hears this, of course, and – even though he promised Splinter he wouldn’t get involved, decides that the Turtles are his friends and Turtles stick together. OK, sure, kid.
Back at the lair, Donatello uses science to figure out that Shredder plans to use the Planetarium to put the plan into use. Because, of course. Zach heads there and just knows Donatello will figure out the whole thing about the Planetarium because he’s so smart, but he’ll just hang outside so he can warn the TMNT. Why this asshole kid is talking to himself in the middle of the night when he knows bad guys are all around is beyond me. What a fucking mark.
Of course, Rocksteady pops out from behind the bushes and captures Zach so they’ll be no warning the Turtles.
The Turtles hit the Planetarium and basically give up once Shredder brandishes the captured kid. So now all five of these guys are tied up and there’s no way they’ll be able to foil Krang’s evil plans this time around.But SUHPRISE! The crystals are reactive to sound and fuckboi Zach knows just the thing!
He asks for Donatello’s TurtleCom and is able to shift just enough to plug his headphones into the jack that never existed in any episode prior to this which creates the world’s most annoying sound. Everybody within earshot is fucking pissed, but the noise forces the crystals to explode and the Technodrome can no longer be raised. A piece of the crystal lands near Leonardo’s foot and he’s able to kick it up so they can free themselves and attack the baddies.
That Shredder is crafty, however, and drops a smoke bomb so he and the mutants can escape to fight another day. Shredder really is horrible at this whole bad guy thing.
The Turtles and Splinter thank Zach for his help and give him a TurtleCom as a gift as well as declaring him an honorary Turtle. Hooray.
I don’t even know. So Zach is 13 and the only family shown is an older brother who is maybe 16. There’s no parental supervision and the kid is able to just walk right out of the house at all hours of the night and ride his bike like it’s nothing even thought New York City is depicted as being this awful, crime-infested hell hole.
Zach would be 41 years-old now and I hope to fucking hell that he’s a much more attentive parent to his kids than his parents were to him. That’s if he’s still alive and didn’t get himself killed by another bumbling evil-doer. That’s a story I’d like to see April O’Neil report on live from the scene.
This show has about as much depth as the kiddie pool at Munchkin Land. It also makes me absolutely terrified to re-watch He-Man since that was and is my jam and I don’t want it to ever be ruined for me.
Jeez. What’s a boy to do? Maybe I just need a new show. This was episode 26 overall of this show and that seems to be about the time I gave up on M.A.S.K. I don’t know. We’ll think of something.
Until then, remember to listen to the latest episode of the Car JoeMez Podcast, subscribe and leave a review. Also, feel free to go back and listen to all the older episodes as well!