Daily Cartoon! ARCHER: S.5, E.1: “White Elephant”

Welcome back to the Friday edition of the Daily Cartoon! I apologize that this is coming already late in the day, but sometimes these things happen. Quick programming note: this feature will go from being daily to weekdays only. I appreciate everybody coming back day after day, but it’s quite the commitment and I have other irons in the fire to attend to as well. Of course, I will be plugging any and all of that here once those take off.

This isn’t ending, by any means. I love doing this and will continue to do so. I also may introduce a new wrinkle into things to have something a bit different coming up soon too. I just need to free up some time to do all the things I like.

OK, so happy Friday and all that jazz. Today we’re watching Archer which is something I decided to watch on my own. Truth be told, I know a few people who love this show, but I’ve never seen it. It’s always one of those shows that I want to start watching and I mean to, but then I get lazy and don’t want to put in the commitment to starting a new show when I can just watch Parks And Rec again and fall asleep to the sweet sounds of Andy Dwyer singing “Bye Bye Li’l Sebastian”.

The reason I picked this episode is pretty simple. Lately, all the shows I’ve been watching have had pretty short runs or were produced for syndication so there was never a chance to see what works and what doesn’t and to make adjustments to the show whether it be in characters or tone.

Archer not only adjusted, they changed the entire fucking show around. What was a spy program for the first four seasons apparently turned into Archer Vice for Season 5 and dealt with the characters selling blow. That’s a pretty big fucking adjustment, I’d say.

So I just wanted to see how they did it. Was it something they explained? Or did they just show up for the first episode of the season like, “Hey! We’re about drugs now!” I want to know these things.

That’s where we stand. And with all of that said, let’s watch a cartoon.

Archer: S.5, E.1: “White Elephant”

Originally Aired: January 13, 2014

Plot:

We’re greeted by Archer as he’s walking into ISIS headquarters with some beautiful music playing in the background. It’s a slow and deliberate intro with all the other characters making quick appearances until he arrives in his mother’s office and – SUHPRISE – there’s a huge explosion that take us into the opening credits and theme song.

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When we return, there’s a massive shootout happening in the office. Bullets are whizzing by everywhere as Archer tries to figure out Beaker from The Muppets’ boss. After one of the opposing “storm ninjas” – as they’re called by Cheryl – gets shot, it is revealed that they’ve been battling FBI agents. Probably not the best idea.

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The whole team is cuffed and taken in and Malory – Archer’s mom – tells everybody that she’ll take care of things, but nobody should say a word. As everybody is getting interrogated separately, they immediately all start giving up anything they can think of except for Archer and Lana who just get into a fight with each other to sucker in the FBI agents before knocking them out, freeing themselves and then heading out to free the rest of the team. They gather up everybody before crashing into the room to save Malory last who is putting the finishing touches on a deal that gives the entire crew immunity.

I’m really shortening things here, but what is said as they go back and forth from all the interrogation rooms is absolutely stupendous. This show is fucking something else. So Malory gets them all off the hook and the FBI won’t take any of the blame for having killed their co-worker, Brett Bunsen to which Archer lets out a huge celebratory yell because hearing that name reminded him that Beaker’s boss on The Muppets was Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

The crew goes back to the ISIS offices to get whatever of their stuff is left and start pondering what they’ll do for jobs and money and health insurance. Cheryl is planning on being a big-time country singer. Archer says he’ll play professional lacrosse. Pam openly wonders about getting back into underground fighting. Lana tells everybody that none of that is possible.

At this point, Archer says they should discuss the elephant in the room and hits the switch to open the secret compartment behind Malory’s desk to display literally…not figuratively, but literally a ton of cocaine. The theorize that it’s probably worth between $50-60 million and Malory says starting a cartel shouldn’t be that hard since Mexicans are able to do it.

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Archer then drifts off into a wonderful fantasy sequence about the entire crew running their cocaine cartel before snapping out of it and whispering, “Archer Vice”.

Final Thoughts:

I’ve summarized quite a bit here, but trust me, this was fucking stupendous. Like I suddenly want to binge watch this whole fucking season right now.

This was clever, witty, funny and whatever other glowing adjectives I can bestow upon this. I love that they just decided to completely change the direction of the show and the way they did it was wonderful.

I will definitely continue to watch me some Archer. I guess I should start from the beginning, but that sounds rather imposing since there’s already something like 6 seasons on Netflix. Oh well. I’ll just have to jump in and get started.

If you’re already a fan of this, I’m sure you’re excited to see my excitement. If you’ve never seen it or wondered if it’s something you should ever give a chance, go do it. Give it that chance and watch. I’m assuming the rest of the series is along the same tone as this episode and – if so – this show may become one of your new favorite shows. So get on the Netflix and start rolling through episodes.

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on Monday.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! Super Mario Bros. Super Show: E.48: “Flatbush Koopa”

Welcome to the Sunday edition of the Daily Cartoon on Car JoeMez! Came across this one on Netflix the other day and thought it would be fun to watch so BAM here it is.

Before we going, listen to the podcast, The Car JoeMez Show. New episodes available weekly on iTunesSoundcloud or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen, subscribe to the show, leave us a review on iTunes or Stitcher of like and leave comments on Soundcloud. All of that helps.

Today we’ll be watching The Super Mario Bros. Super Show which debuted in 1989 and ran for 65 episodes. This was at peak Nintendo mania and if you put Mario on anything people would watch and buy it at that point. Seriously, there were some action figures of NES characters, of course, but they even had a fucking Nintendo cereal! Think I’m joking?

That shit was 100% real. And probably made a gazillion dollars.

Obviously, we were begging for more of our favorite Nintendo heroes, so eventually they gave us this show which – speaking strictly from memory – was a syndicated deal that would give you a different episode everyday after school. Fridays were special events as – in place of a Mario and Luigi adventure – you were treated to The Legend of Zelda and were walked through the trials and tribulations of Link. If I’m remembering that incorrectly, feel free to let me know, but these things take long enough to write as is.

My brother and I used to love the shit out of this show. We would even get our mom to buy us the commercial VHS videos because they were available in that Troll Books thing you would get at school. Remember that? Like every month, you’d get a circular, basically, of just books and then you’d beg your parents to buy everything for you?

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You totally remember this. Don’t try to play coy with me, bro.

Anyway, they started putting Mario VHS tapes in this and we had a bunch. I think my brother may still have those actually. I should ask him. Not that I want them or anything, I just want to know if they still exist. They survived a lot of spring cleaning and donations over the years because they were in a little-used, low-traffic closet that we’d honestly forget we even had most of the time. Memories.

This series is on Netflix now and I just picked an episode with a short title so it didn’t clutter the header as much. That’s the kind of exact algorithm that goes into selecting the shows, folks. Let’s get to it.

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show: E.48: “Flatbush Koopa”

Originally Aired: November 23, 1989

Plot:

We start off with the sick rap intro that’s partially live-action with WWE Hall of Famer, Captain Lou Albano, in the role of Mario. In all honesty, if you’re not excited to watch this show after that, you may not have a soul.

The live-action portion begins with Mario and Luigi being awoken from their sleep as a neighbor is practicing their opera singing. They don’t know how they’re going to handle dealing with all this singing so while they think about it, we transition to the cartoon.

The cartoon begins with a parade in the Mushroom Kingdom because the Bros have finally defeated Koopa and sent him packing. Everybody is hyped and probably getting laid tonight. With this huge task taken care of, Mario and Luigi decided to get back to Brooklyn. Of course. They hope in the open drain and – BING – back in Brooklyn!

Unfortunately for them, as they take in the sights of their hometown, they see the Statue of Liberty, but the head has been replaced with that of Koopa! Turns out, leaving the Mushroom Kingdom was all a big ruse by Koopa to take over the Bros’ home. Koopa and the Koopa Troopers start changing all the signs in town to reflect some take on Koopa. Coney Island? Koopa Island. Brooklyn? Kooplyn.

Honestly, in 1989 Brooklyn could have used a refresher like this. I suppose I’d feel different had I lived there, but let’s call a spade a spade: fuck Brooklyn.

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Toad and the Princess are bored AF now that Koopa’s been run off so they decide to jump in the pipe and visit the Brooklyn Kingdom. And it’s not a moment too soon as Mario and Luigi are desperate for some help in beating off some Koopa Troopers. Princess says since the Bros. helped save her homeland, she’s going to do the same for them. What a woman. Ride or die.

They lure Koopa back into the Mushroom Kingdom by stealing his scepter that turns shit into bricks. So Brooklyn has been saved, but the battle for the Mushroom Kingdom will continue.

Back to live-action, Mario and Luigi are unclogging a toilet, but can’t even concentrate because Opera Lady is still having at it. So, Luigi tells us to watch scenes from the next The Legend of Zelda while they think of another plan to deal with her.

This episode looks fierce. Link’s a ghost and Zelda is a sassy broad who doesn’t like his shit. Link has a bit of a Corey Feldman vibe to him. I wouldn’t deal with his shit either.

Back in live-action, the Mario Bros. fight fire with fire and begin singing themselves until the neighbor finally agree to stop just to not have to hear them anymore. Hit the music because it’s time to do the Mario!

Final Thoughts:

If you’re not familiar, “Do The Mario” was the end credits song and dance you would do with Capt. Lou leading you through it. It was rad.

As far as the show, I’m going to say positive things! The live-action stuff is cheesy, sure, but it’s in small doses and serves its purpose. The actual cartoon was pretty OK too. If you’re not familiar with the Mario characters, that’s on you, but seeing them here was fun and despite a brief absence from the Mushroom Kingdom, the battle we all know and love continues.

This episode went by pretty quick for me and I had fun with it. Not everything needs to be Shakespeare. This was fine for what it was and I certainly see why I loved this as a kid.

Thumbs up.

Thanks for reading.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! ProStars: E.6: “Brazil Nuts”

Welcome back to another absurd cartoon selection on Car JoeMez! Remember to listen, subscribe, rate and review our weekly show, The Car JoeMez Podcast, on iTunesSoundcloud or other fine purveyors of podcasts.

Today, we’re going to watch an episode of ProStars. The show debuted in 1991 and also concluded in 1991 with a total of only 13 episodes. I was ten years-old at the time and was super excited for this show to come out. I’ve always been a huge sports fan and the thought of seeing Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson (who was and is one of my all-time favorite athletes) team up to fight crime and help kids through the magic of an animated Saturday morning cartoon turned me into a bundle of excitement.

Looking back, I don’t remember the actual show overly well, but I do remember that I knew it wasn’t great and I tried to convince myself that it was. After all, how could something be bad with these guys involved?! They wouldn’t lend their names to anything bad!  It was also heartbreaking to watch the show and find out that neither Gretz, MJ nor Bo did the voices for their characters. What a fucking kick to balls that was.

If memory serves, these episodes were usually buffered by a few live-action videos of the actual Bo and Wayne in a studio wearing ProStars varsity jackets as if they were sitting next to each other, meanwhile Michael Jordan was obviously just giving the producers 30 seconds of time after practice or something because you could tell he just didn’t want to be bothered. You know who would have been great on this show? Randy “Macho Man” Savage! My god, just imagine him saving the environment and dropping the big elbow on polluters. That’s the kind of cartoon I want to watch.

So ProStars only lasted 13 episodes and this one falls smack dab in the middle of that run. Let’s go back in the time machine and see if it’s as uninspiring as I remember.

ProStars: E.6: “Brazil Nuts”

Originally Aired: I don’t know! The internet doesn’t seem to have that information. 

Plot:

We get the opening credits which is pretty lame, but one thing the especially bothers me is that they have Wayne Gretzky shooting right-handed! Everybody knows The Great One was lefty shot. Oh god, this is going to make me fucking miserable, I can feel it already.

We open at ProStar Headquarters with the three guys on stationary bikes and in comes Mom: an old lady with like a combination German/Jewish accent who makes all their tech. She’s hyped because the boys are going on a mission to Brazil because there are reports of earthquakes in the Amazon Rainforest. A famous singer has gone missing there when he was supposed to be playing a charity concert to benefit the rainforest and Wayne has non-refundable tickets to his show next month so it’s imperative they find him.

Also, for no discernible reason, Wayne Gretzky is always fucking hungry. They have basically written him like he’s Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. This sucks.

The ProStars arrive in the rainforest by helicopter and are greeted by a local boy named Paco who usually helps hikers climb the tallest mountains. It’s sinking now because of all the seismic activity and the ProStars need to figure out why since damage in the rainforest can affect the whole world! I, for one, am completely confident in leaving the fate of global warming in Michael Jordan’s capable hands. I really hope Craig Ehlo turns out to be the bad guy in this just so MJ can embarrass him and leave him with that stinkface on at the end again.

The Stars are all caught in booby traps almost immediately by a group of…I dunno…maybe like Federalis like the ones the A-Team always used to have to battle while in Nicaragua. They escape easily and Bo Jackson uses infrared glasses to see the villain who is masked in a mineral that makes things appear invisible on touch. They track the evil Captain Impanema into a mine shaft where they discover Van Carosi, the captured singer and his band. They’re able to free him because they’re the fucking ProStars and then go looking for Impanema.

Look. At this point, shit gets full on ridiculous. There’s a close call with a school of man-eating piranhas, and then a plan to stop invisible construction equipment hellbent on destroying the rain forest. Wayne activates the roller blades in his sneakers to lure Captain Impanema (who bears a spitting resemblance to M. Bison of Street Fighter 2 fame) into a trap of their own where they finally…um…stop him from bulldozing the rain forest and force him to use an air pump to raise the mountain back to its appropriate height while Van Carosi sings a song about the ProStars because, obviously, I don’t hate everybody involved in this episode enough already.

Jesus Christ why did this exist?

Final Thoughts:

I hate each of these athletes so fucking much right now. And that’s a tough task because I love Bo Jackson so, so very much. They really went above and beyond the call of duty to make me turn heel on them in the span of 22 minutes.

This show is really bad. It’s corny and cheesy and lacks any charm. No wonder this didn’t last more than 13 episodes. Even that much feels like a stretch.

I’m not going to act too disappointed as it’s not like I was expecting to love this. Thankfully, my hatred of this episode will have no affect on my memories of my childhood. If this show does anything right, it’s that I never loved it beyond just the concept as a kid so I can hate it now without thinking younger-me was a jerk.

I was able to find most of the episodes on YouTube if you wanna go check them out, but let’s be honest, your time is much better spent elsewhere. Call your mom. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Do a Google search for hentai porn. All better options than watching ProStars.

Hopefully, tomorrow works out better. Thanks for reading.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! Teen Titans Go!: S.3,E.10: “40%, 40%, 20%”

Welcome to the Monday edition of the Daily Cartoon! For those of you just joining us, we dropped a new episode of The Car JoeMez Podcast over the weekend! Check it out on iTunesSoundcloud or wherever you get your podcasts. Also remember to subscribe, comment and review because Gomez and I appreciate the fuck out of that.

Speaking of Gomez, today’s episode was specially requested by him. He asked if he was allowed to make such a request, I said sure and voila! We have another entry in my saga to watch cartoons.

I have heard of this cartoon and I’ve seen Gomez’s daughter has stuffed toys of the green troll looking guy, but I can honestly say I’ve never seen an episode. Hell, outside of Robin, I don’t even know who the rest of the characters in the header photo even are. I should actually look into that before I watch this otherwise I’ll be writing about them like “Robin, Black Robocop, Green Troll Looking Dude, Girl who Looks like A My Little Pony But Is A Girl and Mysterion”.

Thanks to a handy-dandy cheatsheet from Cartoon Network I was able to crack the case of who is who rather quickly. So, if you’re unfamiliar with this show let me break it down for you:

Robin – Robin

Black Robocop – Cyborg

Green Troll Looking Dude – Beast Boy

My Little Pony Girl – Starfire

Mysterion – Raven

Now that we’ve all been introduced, it’s time to sit back and enjoy my lunch while watching this specific episode. I get nervous when Gomez wants me to watch stuff. It usually only ends well like 40% of the time. And the fact that he picked a specific episode and not just “a random episode” of this show really tickles my nutsack. I’m either going to love this beyond reproach or hate this so much that I will never talk to Gomez ever again and write his daughter out of my will. There will be no in-between.

Time for cartoons!

Teen Titans Go!: S.3, E.10: “40%, 40%, 20%”

Originally Aired: October 21, 2015

Plot:

We open at the Teen Titans headquarters. I guess that’s what you’d call it. Cyborg hits his favorite song and begins dancing around and lip-syncing while the others sit on the couch completely annoyed by him. Apparently, this is something he’s been doing for a while and they hate this fucking song. This part literally goes on for 80 seconds of Cyborg just grooving the fuck out to “The Night Begins To Shine” while the others yell at him to stop. Part of me kind wanted to see this go even longer just to see how far the writers would let it go.

So, 80 seconds into this show and I’m already a fan.

Cyborg explains to the others how much this song pumps him up because it was a collaboration between three artists, two of which wrote 40% of it and the last which did the remaining 20% hence the title of the episode, “40%, 40%, 20%”. See? I pick up on the subtle shit too.

He describes in great detail how the song gets inside him and makes him feel like he can do anything. It can transform him. Raven gets momentarily excited by that and asks if she can be Optimus Prime. Cyborg shoots her down because he’s Optimus Prime, but says she can be Bumblebee. Womp womp. Raven’s not pleased by that. To be fair, I don’t blame her. I always thought Bumblebee was wack as fuck before those Michael Bay movies came out and celebrated him like he was something special.

What were we talking about? Oh, Teen Titans. Yeah.

What I assume to be the next morning, but may actually be days later comes and Robin, Beast Boy, Raven and Starfire are sitting around feeling blah. Just nothing going on and they’re bored. Bored that is until Cyborg comes pouncing in the room blasting “The Night Begins To Shine”. What starts off as annoyance turns to rhythm as the other Titans begin feeling the song overtaking them.

This leads to a fantasy segment in the vein of Heavy Metal or even that episode of American Dad where Stan discovers My Morning Jacket. The Titans are transformed into exaggerated versions of themselves and are rolling on a motorcycle while mechanical, fanciful birds and horses come along with them.

Robin eventually interrupts the song and fantasy because him and the rest of the team are concerned that Cyborg can’t perform his normal functions without having the song playing for him. They get a sudden crime alert. Turns out The Brain is causing a ruckus, but they leave Cyborg behind, telling him he’s suspended until he can learn to get his groove back without needing the song.

We get a montage of Cyborg trying to open a pickle jar on his own, but to no avail. While he’s wallowing in self-pity, another alert comes through that The Brain has captured the other Teen Titans. Cyborg feels he’s no good to the team, but just when he’s at his lowest, a bird in the tree outside his window begins cawing “The Night Begins To Shine”. Cyborg takes this as a sign that music is meant to be an escape, but also a way to help him save the rest of the Titans. I dunno. He says he gets it now. I don’t really get it, but whatever works for him. He’s the one that has to save his friends, not me. I don’t need to get it.

We hit the music and Cyborg takes off to go rescue his friends. The world around transforms back into the acid-trip fantasy sequence and Cyborg is suddenly a man (teen) who cannot be stopped.

He completely mows through all the minions before showing up in front of the final boss, The Brain, ready to finish this when he’s clubbed over the head from behind by an associate of The Brain who I’m not aware off, but looks like part-gorilla, part-bear with the color scheme of My Pet Monster.

The cassette tape comes flying out of his chest boombox where it’s caught by the brain and smashed to pieces. Without his song, the fate of the Teen Titans is in peril. But, at just that moment, the captured Titans begin to sing “The Night Begins To Shine” from their cages which allows Cyborg to, in essence, Hulk-Up Hulk Hogan style. He makes quick work of My Pet GorillaBear which leaves him one on one with the Brain just as the chorus of the song would hit. The music becomes so powerful that it transforms him into a silver Optimus Prime and he basically runs over The Brain to save the day.

The other four Titans are freed and they all return home in an acid trip montage that is worthy of heroes.

Final Thoughts:

Ho. Lee. Shit. This is a fucking ten minute cartoon that just fucking split my head wide open. Whatever it was that I was expecting, it wasn’t this. This episode was incredible.

I don’t know how else to explain what I saw. I just want to listen to that song over and over and lose myself in a fantasy where I’m able to ride a mechanical winged horse and defeat my enemies by transforming in Optimus Prime and running them down in cold blood.

I don’t know if I should ever watch another episode of this show. Don’t get me wrong: I loved this. It was the best ten minutes I’ve spent doing anything in quite sometime, but there is absolutely no way any other episodes could possibly be this good, right? Like I don’t want to be disappointed by all future episodes just because I keep comparing it to this one. I don’t know, dude. Wow. Just wow.

So Gomez slipped this in here knowing full well it would shock me to the core of my medulla oblongata. Good on him. He knew I’d worry, but when he slips in good shit like this it makes it all the better because of all the horrible shit he’s had me watch over this years.

This is not horrible shit. This is joyous goodness. Here’s the song. Let it consume you.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! Garbage Pail Kids: E.13: “The Fry/A Fishy Story”

Let’s get this out of the way quickly because I really want to get into this show. So…we have a podcast, the Car JoeMez Podcast, which you should listen to on iTunesSoundcloud or wherever it is that you get your podcasts. It’d be greatly appreciated if you could also like, subscribe, rate and/or leave a review since all of that stuff is integral to helping spread the word. Thanks.

With that said, this is going to be interesting. I didn’t even know that this was a thing that existed, but after seeing something about it on an 80s Instagram account that I follow, I made a point of things to see if I could hunt down an episode. Turns out, it wasn’t so hard as most, if not all, episodes can be found on YouTube.

The show is simply called Garbage Pail Kids and if you’re saying, “Joe, sure I remember the cards and stickers, but I don’t ever remember watching this show,” there’s a good reason for that. From everything I can gather, an order was put in for this show, there were 13 episodes produced and then CBS started getting complaints BEFORE IT EVER AIRED from these groups that think they’re more righteous than everybody else because  they claimed the show ridiculed the handicapped, glorified violence and was little more than an infomercial to buy GPK trading cards.

Let me reiterate that they put in all these complaints BEFORE THE SHOW EVER AIRED.

Because sponsors were scared of the negative press supporting a show getting this kind of backlash would garner, they started dropping out and the show was pulled from all scheduled slots in the United States. It did air everywhere else in the world, but nope, not America, where we have all those freedoms that the rest of the world doesn’t.

So these episodes exist and can be found in pretty decent quality and now we feel like we HAVE to watch them because some prude, conservative fuckball think they know what’s best for us when all they have to do is just not watch it themselves. So, fuck you, Christian Leaders for Responsible Television. And fuck you, Action For Children’s Television. And, hold up, because I’ve got a fuck you for you too, National Coalition on Television Violence.

It’s fucking Garbage Pail Kids. They’re freaks and mutants. What did you expect?

But if it’s got this whole stigma attached to the point where it never aired in the United States, it’s got to be fucking horrible, right? Now, I’m really interested. Let’s check this bad boy out.

Garbage Pail Kids: Episode 13: “The Fry/A Fishy Story”

Originally Aired: July 19, 1988 in the UK

Plot:

OK, so right off the bat, I’m assuming this is the typical two short stories made into one full episode based on the title. I think that’s a safe assumption. Especially when the title comes across as “The Fry”.

The first story is a play off the Jeff Goldblum classic movie, The Fly, and features two kids in a bedroom where one has created a teleportation machine. He makes sure to have eliminated the possibility of any actual houseflies getting caught in the machine because he goes to the movies and knows the fucking deal. Unfortunately for him, his friend – a girl, of course – haphazardly throws a little carton of french fries she was holding into the machine thinking it was a wastebasket. Yes, because teleporters and trash bins looks exactly alike.

Also, there’s no evidence of any other fast food. No sodas, wrappers, burgers, chicken nuggets. So this girl just had fucking fries? Who the fuck buys just one thing of fries? And where did she get the money for these fries?

Either way, the other kid ends up crossing DNA with a fucking french fry. When his mom hears all the noise, she comes in and takes the box of fries away and reprimands the kids about junk food. She throws them in the trash, but one of the actual fries also has crisscrossed DNA so the kids need to get that back so they can reverse the polarity of the machine and make this guy a boy again instead of a french fry in shorts who craves having ketchup thrown on his face.

No, I’m serious, that’s a thing.

Of course the garbage men come to pick up the pails immediately after the mom takes the fries away so this becomes a high-stakes chase of the kids trying to get those fries back so they can un-do the science.

To make a long-story short, they eventually do get the fries back and re-do the machine process, but since they’ve been in trash all day, there’s flies around them and the kid doesn’t check for them this time. So he turns into a fly. The mom hears the noise again and is about to come into the room to see what’s going on, but the boy-fly flies out the window to avoid being seen. This is how this story ends. Mercifully.

As a buffer, we get a segment about Moms always being right. Like if she says to stop making that face because it’ll freeze that way, we see the kid’s face actually freezing up and icing over. Sighhhhhhhh.

Then we get to the back half, “A Fishy Story”. So this features the five Garbage Pail Kids that I guess were so offensive to people. They are: Split Kit, Elliot Mess, Terry Cloth, Patty Putty and Clogged Duane.

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OK, so yeah, they’re weird. Let’s see how people pick on them for being handicapped.

They’re all on a rowboat that gets overturned. For some reason, there’s a manta ray with a crossbow that shoots a plunger trying to catch a mermaid. So, far, yeah, I’m with. The kids safe the mermaid. OK, now she’s gonna be horrified by the freaks, right?

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The mermaid is thrilled to see these kids and recruits them to help her save her father’s ranch from Big Red, the Lobster Banker.The underwater land is set up like the Wild West and the mermaid’s father owns a seahorse ranch. And I can’t see seahorses without thinking of…

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Once again, to make a long story short, the town banker has a gang of manta rays who steal the seahorses from the mermaids so they can’t make money and the bank can take ownership of the ranch. That’s pretty f’d up. Thankfully, the GPK help save the day and the Lobster banker and his goons get arrested by the Octopus Sheriff.

At no point did anybody make fun of the handicapped and the violence included wasn’t even real violence, it was basically sight-gags in 80s cartoon world. The crossbows shot fucking plungers for crissakes.

If anything, the Kids here were treated like heroes for having helped save this girl’s family’s ranch.

But so ends our episode.

Final Thoughts:

First things first: the quality of the show wasn’t great. Let’s just focus on that for a bit. I hated the first story and the buffer segment. Just terrible. The second with the actual kids was a big step up, but still kind of clumsy and not all that great. This is just one episode, but maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world that this was never aired.

Beyond that, I saw nothing happen in this episode that would lead you to believe that the handicapped were being mocked, that it was overflowing with violence or that it was a vehicle for the trading cards. I’m sure there would have been some strategically placed trading card commercials during the breaks, but this was 1988 and other cartoons with full-blown toy lines had been doing that for years already.

So, yeah, I’m bothered by the fact that these groups had enough pull to get the show barred without any of it having been aired, but there’s nothing I saw in this episode that makes me want to see more of it anyway. It’s just this little nugget of cartoon history that I happened to come across.

Like I said earlier, there’s only 13 episodes in total and you can find most, if not all, on YouTube. There’s also a DVD collection that a quick Google search shows me you can find for like $7 if you are so inclined.

At the end of the day, I’m glad I learned something new because even meaningless knowledge makes you smarter, but there are much better cartoons out there for me to spend my time on. Thanks for reading.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! DuckTales: S.3,E.16: “Attack of the Fifty-Foot Webby”

Welcome back to another exciting edition of the Daily Cartoon on Car JoeMez! As always, I ask that you check out our weekly podcast on iTunesSoundcloudStitcher or wherever you get your podcasts. If you could be so kind as to subscribe and review as well, that would be greatly appreciated.

If you’re into these reviews, share them with your friends! Odds are, your friends like the same things as you so I’m sure they’d love to read about some dude who watches cartoons everyday.

Today, we’re going to watch an episode of DuckTales! I’m excited for this. I used to love this show as a kid, but it’s definitely been a long time since I’ve ever sat through an episode. I remember when I first got TiVo (yes, like an actual TiVo, not just a DVR), I used to record episodes of this just because I felt the need to record all sorts of shit. But even that has to be like ten years ago now.

This selection is pretty topical since there was a recent announcement that we’ll be getting a brand new DuckTales series coming to us from Disney in the near future. I watched the little teaser for it and while not over excited for it, I do plan on checking it out.

One last thing before we start the show: I feel like a lot of my love for this is based around how good the NES game was. It was a basic side-scroller, but was a helluva lot of fun and I spent many hours sitting on the floor playing it in front of a 13″ screen that used to need like ten minutes to warm up before the picture was visible.

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There’s even a DuckTales 2 video game that’s really rare and expensive because it was released near the end of the NES’s run so many of the produced copies never made their way into the chubby hands of geeks like me since people had moved on to the 16 bit consoles by then.

So there’s my quick background with DuckTales. Now that we’ve gotten it out of the way, let’s hit the play button!

DuckTales S.3, E.16: “Attack of the Fifty-Foot Webby”

Originally Aired: November 16, 1989

Plot:

First things first: this theme song has to be one of the catchiest ever. Once it’s in your head, you’re done for the day. It’ll never leave. And I don’t want it to either. I even used this as entrance music for a wrestling match one time to pop a few of the guys in the back. Most of the fans didn’t get it, but sometimes entertaining a handful of your friends is worth more than the full crowd. Not every time, but there’s a place for it.

We start off with Huey, Dewey and Louie playing Hide and Seek with Bubba the Caveduck. Bubba finds them almost immediately and when the boys discuss how good Bubba is, they hear sneezing coming from under an overturned wheelbarrow. Turns out Webigail has been hiding all morning and nobody even knew she was playing. She’s really annoyed that people always overlook her. Oh, honey, your message is heard loud and clear. They just had a march for girls like you.

At this point, Uncle Scrooge calls for the kids to tell them that a long-tailed gorilla has been spotted and he wants to capture it so he can make it an attraction at his new venture: a drive-thru safari. He invites the boys to join him so he can use Bubba’s innate hunting skill to help track it down, but when Webby asks, Scrooge is surprised because he hadn’t realized she was in the room. Poor Webby. She feels like the Marla Hooch of this show.

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What a hitter.

Meanwhile, the proprietor of Circus Barkus is in financial peril and has all his attractions walking out on him over lack of payment. He needs a new attraction to drum up interest back in his three-rings and he thinks that long-tailed gorilla would be just the ticket. As he prepares to head out on his expedition, he’s met by the Beagle Boys who are none too happy that the circus is closed. Jack, the carny, enlists their help in getting the gorilla so they can find it before Scrooge does.

Scrooge and the boys arrive in the jungle and we find that Webigail has snuck on to the trip with nobody knowing. She tries to hang back, but after seeing an enormous dragonfly, gives herself away to the dismay of Scrooge.

Bubba is following a scent and they’re starting to make some advancements, but Jack and the Beagles are following them. When it looks like Scrooge is getting close, the Beagles hit our team of ducks with the SUHPRISE! They pop out of the bushes in gorilla costumes to send Scrooge and the boys…and Webby scurrying. Webby gets seperated from the rest of the crew and is chased into a river where the current is too strong for her. She’s about to be sent over a waterfall until the long-tailed gorilla comes swinging through on a vine to save the day.

Turns out the gorilla is super-friendly and even gives Webby some flowers since they’re best buds now. Scrooge realizes she’s missing and it hits him that they don’t pay enough attention to her. Meanwhile, Webby and the gorilla, who she calls Mr. Fuzzy, are getting along like gangbusters. Webby says that his long tail makes him look like just a monkey that got really big and Mr. Fuzzy grunts a yes and shows her to a water supply that apparently made him huge.

While at the water supply, the Beagle Boys show up and attempt to capture Mr. Fuzzy. During the melee, Webby is knocked into the water and immediately grows to gigantor status. Scrooge and the boys finally locate her and are aghast at how big she’s gotten. They decide to fly home with Webby held by a rope and attached to balloons so they can get her to a doctor.

The doctor sets off to try concocting a potion that the boys find in their Junior Woodchuck’s guidebook while Webby has a hard time not being able to play or have fun because she’s going to knock down the fucking house or cause an earthquake. Scrooge suggests she get some rest and while watching TV in the tent they’ve made to fit her, she sees a commercial for the Circus Barkus advertising their new attraction: the long-tailed monkey. Webby is none too happy to see Mr. Fuzzy captured and storms off to free him.

She manages to free the monkey, but he’s frightened by her now massive size and runs off when Jack and the Beagle Boys hear noises. Webby evades them and tries to track down the monkey. As people on the street stare and scream in horror, the monkey tries climbing Duckburg’s version of the Empire State Building. Webby goes up after him and holds Mr. Fuzzy  on the side of the building in a terrific tribute to KING KONG. That is, until, the Beagle Boys show up in airplanes trying to capture both Mr. Fuzzy and Webby for Jack’s show.

Webby swats away the baddies as Scrooge and the Doctor – now armed with his growth-reversal pixie dust – fly up in the McDuck company helicopter to sprinkle Webby and Mr. Fuzzy. The two of them return to normal size, but fall off the building where they bounce off an awning and are then caught by Huey, Dewey, Louie and Bubba.

Mr. Fuzzy is returned to his home in the jungle and the boys promise to never overlook Webby again.

Final Thoughts:

Probably not the strongest episode to have selected, but still fun nonetheless. I absolutely love the version of Scrooge McDuck we get in this series. Sure, he’s gruff and greedy, but when things get crazy, he always realizes what’s important and does the right thing.

Also, I had completely forgotten that Bubba the Caveduck was a thing. And now, because I remember him, I have to go YouTube that song from when he was first discovered. You know the one. “Bubba…Bubba…Bubba the caveman duck-ah!” I’m almost 100% positive it went something like that. Hold on, I’m going to look for it.

OK, so maybe I was off on the lyrics, but yeah, this exists. You’re welcome.

But I still like DuckTales. Holds up perfectly fine for me. You can find the DVD sets pretty cheap all over, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they started popping up on Netflix soon now that they have that deal with Disney.

Like I said, this may not have been the best episode, but it was random and this is what we had and I still didn’t hate it. If anything, it makes me want to watch more of this show because I know there are better episodes out there. Especially the ones that include GizmoDuck. That was my dude.

So, in conclusion, DuckTales is duck-lightful! Everybody should watch it and check out the new series when it debuts.

❤ Joe

Questions, comments, concerns? Send an email to CarJoeMez@gmail.com or Twitter or even Facebook. Thanks for reading.

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Daily Cartoon! Voltron: Legendary Defender: S.1,E.1: “The Rise of Voltron”

Welcome back to your daily cartoon on Car JoeMez! Before we get started, remember to check out the weekly podcast The Car JoeMez Podcast on iTunesSoundcloud and other outlets where podcasts are gotten. Remember to like, subscribe and leave some positive reviews to help us build that listener base so we can keep doing fun little things like cartoon reviews and other projects. Like karate in the garage.

Now that the business is out of the way, we’re doing something a bit different today. Still a cartoon, but a much more modern one that what we’ve been watching. Last year, Netflix revived the Voltron franchise with a brand new series produced by DreamWorks. Voltron: Defender of the Universe was a huge deal when I was a kid. I remember having toys and RC robots, but when I think back, I don’t remember much of the actual show.

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I do, however, remember being an angst-filled teen when Mighty Morphin Power Rangers came out and I was the douche yelling to anybody who would listen that it was just a Voltron rip-off. I was the kind of teen that would probably boo John Cena because I thought it was cool. Spoiler: it’s not cool and John Cena is the best.

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I have legitimately never seen an episode of this new incarnation so this will be a brand new viewing through fair and balanced eyes. I’m actually looking forward to this. All episodes seem to be the normal 22-23 minutes except for the premiere which has a run time of 68 minutes. What that means is that this review will probably get a little lengthy. And seeing as how most of my reviews run around 1,200 words for a 22 minute episode, this has every possibility to get out of control. But if I’m going to watch a show I’ve never seen, why not start at the beginning and seeing if it’s worth continuing.

Now that we’ve burned over 300 words just introducing this, let’s get to the cartoon!

Voltron: Legendary Defender: S.1, E.1: “The Rise of Voltron”

Originally Released: June 10, 2016

Three space explorers are on an expedition to one of Pluto’s moons trying to find evidence of intergalactic life when they are attacked and captured by the evil Galra empire. The three are referred to as “primitive scientists” and are thrown into the Galra’s prisons.

We cut to one year later where three students (Lance, Hunk and Pidge) at Galaxy Garrison – a school to train space pilots and engineers – completely bomb a simulator rescue mission. Lance, the pilot, is reprimanded and told that he’s only in the class because a better pilot was kicked out of the program which opened a spot for him.

After curfew, Lance decides to build some team camaraderie by sneaking out with Hunk and Pidge. Pidge, however, is found outside with some fancy computer equipment scanning the airwaves trying to find messages and information having to do with the lost space exploration crew from a year ago.

While they’re out there, an alien spacecraft comes hurtling down and crashes. The school’s security immediately cordons it off and it turns out that the person on board is Shiro, one of the lost explorers. He is talking about alien invasions and that they’re in great danger, but everybody just thinks he’s crazy.

The three kids are trying to figure out a way to run down and rescue Shiro who is apparently a famous explorer when another kid is shown causing a distraction and sneaking in to do the same. This turns out to be Keith who Lance considers his rival and is the pilot who dropped out of the Garrison that opened a spot for Lance.

Together, the four kids rescue Shiro and escape. Shiro struggles to remember the details of the past year, but Keith fills him in on some energy source he’s been studying. The word “Voltron”keeps coming up in Shiro’s head and Pidge’s research and they all agree that it’s a weapon they need to find before the Galra does.

This is a good time to take a Zack Morris timeout.

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OK, so Shiro is this renown space guy and, basically, he gets kidnapped by four kids and he’s all just, “Whoa, thanks for saving my bacon back there”??? If I was Shiro, I’d be like, “Where the fuck are your parents?” or “Why aren’t you in school?” or even better, “Where the white women at?”

But whatever. Nobody cares about what I would do.

OK. Time in.

They new fivesome goes to a cave that Keith’s been finding at the heart of the energy source he’s been tracking.There’s carvings of lions on all the walls, but when Lance presses his hand against them, they activate. A tunnel opens that drags the group to the bowels of the cave and it’s there that they find their first lion.

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The blue lion basically goes on auto pilot and heads into space where it is immediately met by an alien ship. The same alien ship that captured Shiro a year ago. The aliens chase the lion until a mysterious wormhole opens and takes the lion in then closes before the aliens can continue following.

The lion leads them to planet Altea which nobody knows of and touches down at a castle. The cautiously scan the castle until finding a control room where they are met by Princes Allura and Coran, her royal adviser, who have been in suspended animation for 10,000 years. Allura tells the story of how her father, King Alfor and his kingdom, was overtaken by Emperor Zarkon and the Galra. To keep the power of Voltron out of Zarkon’s hands, Alfor had hidden the five lions that form Voltron all around the solar system.

OK, despite some early convenience and silliness, I’m fucking with this now.

The group immediately concludes that Zarkon will come know that he knows the blue lion has been unearthed. Allura says that the lion picks its pilot. Kind of like how the wand picks the wizard in Harry Potter. Despite not having met any of the rest of the lions, Allura basically assigns a lion to each of our new heroes. Lance keeps the blue, Pidge gets green, Hunk yellow, Keith red and Shiro the leader will get black. The group splits and goes hunting for the other lions since Allura had what amounts to lion lo-jack installed in her brain by her father before he was killed.

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To save time, the crew finds the green and yellow lions easy enough, but the red lion is being held on a Galra ship. Obviously, our gang heads to said ship to free the red lion, but things become more complex when Pidge reveals that his father and brother were also on the expedition with Shiro a year ago and could still be held captive on the ship.

Keith is able to take control of the red lion while Shiro and Pidge free whatever prisoners they can find, but no sign of Pidge’s father or brother. This seems like something that will play out for a while. On the bright side, gaining control of the red lion now allows them to gain access to the black lion which is held locked in Princess Allura’s castle until all of the other lions could be found.

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With control of all the lions, our palladins try to form Voltron to thwart the attacks on Altea by the Galra. There’s just one problem: they have no fucking idea how to do so. Just when it looks as if their inexperience will cost them everything, Shiro gives an inspirational speech and the lions take control to form the ultimate weapon: Voltron, defender of the universe.

With the power of Voltron unleashed, the palladins are able to destroy the Galra and send them packing. While a great victory, this is just the beginning of a great war to be had. Many more action-packed adventures are to come.

Final Thoughts:

I’m often critical of newer style animation because I think it looks too computer-generated, but this show walks a nice line with its smooth animation and coloring. The overall look and feel of this production were terrific and I was happy to see that.

As for the story, I’m really, really impressed. OK sure, near the beginning when they’re setting things up, some meetings or moments are just too convenient, but they don’t bog down or draw anything away from where we’re going. It’s silly, it happens and we move on and forget about it.

By the time we meet Princess Allura on Altea, I was completely invested in the show and – while I took for granted that they’d eventually form Voltron and win the day – still had a feeling of tenseness as things were looking bleak for our heroes.

All in all, I absolutely loved this debut episode for the updated series and will definitely be watching the rest of it as my busy, busy schedule allows. Like I said earlier, this is a Netflix series and there’s actually two seasons available now for your viewing enjoyment.

If you were a fan of the original, I see no reason that you wouldn’t be into this re-make and if you’ve got youngsters who are unfamiliar with the previous iterations or maybe even are unfamiliar yourself, this was a definite score for a first episode. Go check it out and have some fun like I did.

❤ Joe