Daily Cartoon! THUNDERCATS S.1,E.28: “The Wolfrat”

Good afternoon and happy Monday! Welcome to a brand new week of the Daily Cartoon on Car JoeMez! Before we get started, make sure you check out the latest episode of our show,

The Car JoeMez Podcast on iTunesSoundcloud or wherever you get your podcasts. Subscribe, leave a comment or review and share with your friends because they probably like the same shit you do.

Let’s get started. I shouldn’t have to do a lot of background on Thundercats. It was a massive hit, had an incredible toy line and is one of the most memorable series of the 80s. The coloring and early use of anime-like animation sequences made it attractive and exciting to kids of all ages and having a fucking kick-ass theme song just cemented the whole deal.

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Daily Cartoon! JACKSON 5IVE E.3: “Pinestock, USA”

Welcome to another edition of the Daily Cartoon on Car JoeMez! Remember to check out the latest episode of The Car JoeMez Podcast about the music that shaped our adolescence and our reactions to The Ringer’s Top Fast Food Items list on iTunesSoundcloud and wherever else you listen to podcasts. It’s a good episode.

Today’s cartoon is something I chose out of my Box O’Toons. I have a bunch of stuff thrown on a list and randomly selected this. Cool? Very cool.

It’s called Jackson 5ive and, obviously, is about The Jackson Five who have adventures similar to those in Josie And The Pussycats & The Partridge Family. Why the 70s obsessed with musicians getting in the middle of criminal hijinks, we may never know, but whatever. We have a show to look back on and laugh at, I suppose.

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The show lasted 23 episodes over two seasons between 1971 and 1972 and got a second life in syndication during 1984-1985 when Michael Jackson was the biggest star on the planet as a solo performer.

I can safely say I’ve never seen an episode of this show, but – after reading a little background – am sure it’s just as terrible as the other shows of the time. Time to find out.

Let’s watch a cartoon.

Jackson 5ive E. 2: “Pinestock, USA”

Originally Aired: September 18, 1971

Plot:

We open with the J5 on their groovy private airplane. They’re flying into Pinestock to play a big outdoor music festival similar to Woodstock. But when they arrive, they see that the land isn’t cleared and open, but still heavily wooded. They don’t see how they’ll be able to perform in the forest, but are still sure that thousands of their fans will show up.

So they arrive and meet Mr. Carruthers, a fat, mean dude who owns the forest land and is promoting the concert. He informs the band that they’re a week early, but not to worry about the woods because he’s going to have the trees cleared out and a stadium built in time for the show. J5 has a big problem with this because they care about the trees and adorable woodland critters that call the woods home. Mr. Carruthers is tight because he’s cutting down the woods and no ecology-loving kooks are going to stop him.

We get a sweet music break where the J5 play “I’ll Be There” to woods. While the Jacksons didn’t provide voices for the show, the songs used are actual J5 recordings which is pretty cool. It also takes up a few minutes in some hippy-dippy video that means there’s nothing to recap which makes writing this review a bit easier. Thanks, guys!

As we come out of “I’ll Be There”, Mr. Carruthers’ lumberjacks have arrived and are going to start destroying the woods, but not until after they eat. This allows the J5 to replace the gasoline in the chainsaws with maple syrup. You’d think such a scheme would thwart all of Mr. Carruthers’ plans, but, oh no! He sends a carrier pigeon to the trading post with a message to send more chainsaws. This must be how Amazon started.

Again, the Jacksons are a step ahead. They use their unlikely friendship with the animals to get the carrier pigeon to return and swap in a different message for him to deliver. And this is probably how all those mail-order catalogs fucked up deliveries for all those years before Amazon.

A helicopter arrives and drops three crates that the lumberjacks assume is their new chainsaws. Of course, it’s not and in lieu of cutting tools, the workers get balloons, kites and bubble gum. No bullshit, there’s an entire crate of fucking bubble gum! It’s like a Halloween of nothing but Dubble Bubble. I would fucking love if that got dropped at my door. Who cares if I was expecting a chainsaw?! This is wayyyyyyy better!

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Mr. Carruthers doesn’t agree with my enthusiasm, however.

The lumberjacks capture the Jacksons and enclose them in a cave to stop them from interfering until it’s time for the concert. They’re able to escape pretty much immediately, though, thanks to the help of their woodland critter friends, though. They notice the lumberjacks listening to the radio so they build a transistor to override the signal so they can break in with a newscast about a rare pink snake that is actually just Michael’s pet. This causes a ruckus as the lumberjacks are chased off and Mr. Carruthers’ plans to destroy the forest are foiled.

The Jackson 5 do play their concert at Pinestock and they play us off the air with “The Young Folks”.

Final Thoughts:

Typical corniness expected from this type of fare. I do like that we get actual Jackson 5 songs so that was kind of fun, but other than that, there’s really not much depth here.

That being said, it’s a huge tribute to the J5 that they were popular enough at this time to necessitate a Saturday Morning Cartoon series. Seriously, that’s called being over as fuck.

Not the worst cartoon you’ll ever see as long as you go in knowing what you’re in for. I doubt I’ll ever go searching for another episode of this to watch, but if you’re interested, there’s a DVD out there with the full series floating around.

I wish I had that whole crate of bubble gum.

See you tomorrow.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! The Flintstone Kids: S.1,E.20: “Betty’s Big Break”

Welcome to today’s edition of the Daily Cartoon! Before we get started, you should know that we released a new episode of the Car JoeMez Podcast today where we talk about the hit movie, Lego Batman! A simple search on iTunes, Soundcloud or wherever you get your podcasts is all it takes so give it a listen, share it with your friends and leave a comment or review because you love us and we’ll love you back!

Today’s selection was a reader request and I was all too happy to revisit this series. The Flintstone Kids ran for two seasons and 32 episodes between 1986-1988 and follows the Bedrock gang that we know and love as childhood friends and their dealings with the big school bully, Rocky Ratrock and his gang.

If you want to be a stickler about shit, this contradicts the continuity of the original series which had an episode showing that Fred and Barney didn’t meet Wilma and Betty until they were older, but we don’t allow sticklers here, so can it, pal. In this story, everybody knew each other as kids and grew up knowing they were destined to be married and give us a wonderful look into their adult lives through the magic of animated television.

I’ve always been a fan of The Flintstones so it’s with no surprise that I enjoyed this show as a kid. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it was my favorite thing ever, but it was something I looked forward to on Saturday mornings and – since you know how I am by now – that enjoyment was only enhanced by a cool, little toyline!

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We definitely had some of these in my house growing up, but I want to say it was my brother who was the bigger fan. He was a couple of years younger than me which was good because he had his own things that I could still play with.

The show had a distinct moral message whether it was anti-bullying, or staying in school and – without looking this up, so don’t butcher me if I’m wrong – I want to say they even did a primetime special about saying no to drugs since that kind of thing was everywhere at the time.

I don’t really know too many people who are huge fans of this show, but it seems to be fondly remembered if you bring it up. Like one of those, “Holy shit! I forgot all about that! Yeah, that was great!” type of things. I used to like it and was an especially big fan of the segments that featured Captain Caveman. I fucking loved me some goddamn Captain Caveman!

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So, with all that intro let’s get to this show and see how it holds up.

The Flintstone Kids: S.1, E.20: “Betty’s Big Break”

Originally Aired: March 14, 1987

Plot:

We open with a shot of Bedrock Elementary School which has a big banner advertising the school play, “The Lizard of Oz”. Wilma is playing the Good Witch, but wishes Betty had a bigger part since she’s just a flower. Fortunately for Betty, however, Dreamchip Gemstone, who is playing Dorothy comes down with laryngitis and Betty is forced to assume the starring role.

The curtain lifts and we go into a dream sequence with Betty auditioning for talent agents Fred and Wilma who end up hiring her to – at first – replace Dreamchip as their star, but then to be her assistant since you don’t just get rid of your star.

We meet Nate Slate who’s a big TV producer and will be coming to Bedrock to find a new show to put on his network. It’s between “The Lizard of Oz” and Rocky Ratrock’s Wrestling Show. Whichever he likes best will get the big push.

Rocky’s show impresses Slate and to try to cement the deal, Rocky pours lemon juice in Dreamchip’s throat spray thinking that, with her out of the picture, his show will easily win. Betty takes over the lead role and absolutely slays as Dorothy and Mr. Slate is all too happy to make her and the show stars.

We come out of the dream sequence and Betty is finishing her final song at the school play where, just as envisioned, she kills it and everybody is ecstatic over a play well done.

I forgot that this show will break into segments so as that first part concludes, we move into a buffer with Dino called “Dino’s Dillemas”. We get a quick bit about him being bullied by a bigger bulldog named Spike who takes his bone, but Dino quickly comes up with a way to outsmart him, exact revenge and get his bone back. Nothing big here, but a quick way to break up stories.

But now I’m excited because, to close the show, we get a goddamn CAPTAIN CAVEMAN & Son segment! You think you’re excited? Feel these fucking nipples!

The villainous Mr. Bad uses his secret weapon – the Backwards Beam – to turn all of Bedrock…backwards, duh. Cops are in jail, criminals are in charge, cats are chasing dogs and – most importantly – Captain Caveman and Cavey, Jr. are the number one fugitives in town!

Because of the way this show is split into segments, these stories aren’t very long, but they don’t need to be. Eventually, Captain Caveman and son figure out a way to outsmart Mr. Bad, get control of the Backwards Beam and return everything in Bedrock to normal.

We get a shot of all the Flintstone kids at home watching Captain Caveman on TV and they celebrate at the outcome and they can’t wait for next week. Admittedly, neither can I.

Final Thoughts:

The biggest takeaway here is that this would be very difficult to get sick of because of how the segments are broken down. I love the characters, obviously, so by keeping them to small, fun bits that aren’t too long, you’re basically protecting things from getting dragged out. It leads to a nice, innocent burst of fun that has you wanting more.

The Captain Caveman stuff is just wonderful. I don’t know why, but I just love the ever-living shit out of him. It’s silly, over-the-top and crazy because it doesn’t have to make sense. It just is. And I’m perfectly OK with that. Unga Bunga like a motherfucker.

All in all, this was a fun thing to check out today. I’m not exactly going to start hunting down episodes so I can watch the whole series or anything, but it was nice to watch this, reminisce a bit and leave with a smile on my face. Good times for me and you. Thanks for reading.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling: E.12: “The Last Resort”

Whether you’re too young to remember, or have just simply forgotten, there have been times when it felt like literally everybody loved pro wrestling. This was never more evident than during the mid-1980s when Hulk Hogan reigned supreme over the wrestling world.

Just how popular was The Hulkster? He was the bee’s knees. He was Cyndi Lauper’s date to the Grammys, he was making appearances on talk shows and MTV, he was on the cover of Sports Illustrated and he was even the focal point of his own Saturday Morning Cartoon, Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling.

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The show featured a group of WWF (at the time) wrestlers split into good and bad guys just doing normal real life stuff, but their physicality and brawn would always come into play.

As a kid, I remember watching the show and even getting stickers of the animated wrestlers out of the machine near the checkout counter of our local King Kullen supermarket back in the day. There were even toys produced of the wrestlers as their animated selves that I never had because, I suppose, my mom hated me and didn’t want me to ever be happy.

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The cartoon series only lasted two seasons of 13 episodes each (with some episodes having two short stories), but retained a decent cult following despite being forgotten by the mainstream almost immediately. It even had some recognizable names providing voices for the grapplers! Brad Garrett (who became the tall, goofy brother on Everybody Loves Raymond) voiced Hulk Hogan, James Avery (the wonderful Uncle Phil on Fresh Prince and also the voice of Shredder) as the Junkyard Dog and Pat Fraley (who has one of the most amazing voice acting careers you’ll ever see if you read his IMDB) provided the drawl of Hillbilly Jim.

The show had a brief resurrection around 2000 when WWF (or WWE, though I still think we were F at that point) produced three home video releases of Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling that sold pretty well and introduced the show to a new audience.

I remember the series being typical 80s cheese, but a fun time because of the characters involved. Even though it wasn’t the wrestlers doing the voices it was cool to see them in situations like racing cars or whatever the hell else they were doing that day.

I may not feel the same when I finish this episode, but let’s find out.

Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling : S.1,E.12: “The Last Resort”

Originally Aired: October 26, 1985

Plot:

We get the opening which is titled “Hulk Hogan’s Theme”. It was included on The Wrestling Album, a record released by WWF in 1985 and, was supposed to be Hulk’s entrance music as well, but he liked another song from the album, “Real American”, better and pushed to have that instead. I’d say things worked out OK. Personally, however, I do love “Hulk Hogan’s Theme”. Not enough to wish it was his theme music for all those years of defeating Sgt. Slaughter and the like, but it’s not a horrible song.

We’re met with Hulk and the gang (Wendi Richter, Hillbilly Jim, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Andre The Giant, Junkyard Dog, Tito Santana and Captain Lou Albano) boarding a plane so they can visit their friend Tony Torpedo who is opening a hotel. Tito exclaims how excited he is for a week of fun in the sun. Arriba!

When they arrive at the hotel, they’re met by Tony who says the hotel is already in trouble because another hotel offered his entire crew double the money and now his grand opening may double as his grand closing. Hulk comes up with a great idea for Tony to go out and assemble an entirely new crew while him and the gang stay behind and run the hotel until he returns.

We get Hulk and Wendi running the front desk and the others as bellhops which leads to some expected hilarity. The last of the guests at the opening is the Bashar of Budastan which ends up being some royal kid from a Middle Eastern country.

Hulk immediately gets into it with the Bashar’s security because he refuses to bow, but the Bashar is reminded that customs are different in the USA and he calls off the guards.His handlers ask to speak to Hulk privately and tell him that the Bashar is transporting a priceless jewel that he will display for the first time once his completes his journey and arrives in New York. It’s important because if the jewel is lost, this kid can’t be the leader of Budastan anymore. It’s basically the fucking conch from “Lord of the Flies”.

We get the crew being inept at some of the tasks that come with running a hotel, but none more so than Captain Lou being the absolute worst chef ever and causing a flood of spaghetti all over the kitchen.

Of course, the really important jewel is stolen the very first night and the Budastani security team accuses Captain Lou. Hogan bargains with the General to retrieve the jewel on his own so he can free the Cap.

Turns out it was the General who was behind the robbery the entire time so he could take over control of Whateverfakeassfuckingcountry. We get a really high-speed golf cart chase that finally results in the capture of the General and the return of power to the Bashar who says that all the wrestlers will be known as national heroes in Budastan. We get a finally joke and a group laughing scene and on to the credits.

Final Thoughts:

This show is utterly ridiculous. But I fucking enjoyed the shit out of it. Cartoon Hulk Hogan wearing a tuxedo and acting as a concierge? Sign me up! Junkyard Dog teaching the Bashar how to dance? Yessir!

This was a good time. It’s silly, it’s cheesy, it corny, it’s all of the foodies.

There were no villains in this episode, but Roddy Piper, Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff and maybe one or two others that I can’t think of off the top of my head do make appearances throughout the series. You know shit’s gotta get real when those big confrontations go down.

A few years ago, I came across a torrent online that had the complete series and, of course, burned it to two DVDs. To the best of my knowledge, this show doesn’t exist on a real commercial DVD release, but there are a bunch of episodes available in full on YouTube. If you’re a wrestling fan or simply just a fan of the 80s style of cartoons, I think you could do a lot worse than Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling. 

I’d imagine most people haven’t even heard of this, let alone seen it, but go look for it and enjoy. It’s fun. Promise.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! Inspector Gadget: S.1,E.8: “Haunted Castle”

Welcome back to another completed random cartoon that I just put on to review! It’s incredible to think of just the volume of cartoons there has been over the years and I’m already starting to get people sending me requests.

Of course, I will be honoring such requests because I’m the best. So if there’s anything you think I should watch and rant about, send an e-mail to CarJoeMez@gmail.com or hit the Twitter: @CarJoeMez.

I’ve always been a fan of Inspector Gadget. He always came off as the right combination of goofy, slapstick and fun to me. So watching an episode of this classic series was an easy decision. It’s been a long while since I’ve watched any of this, so I’m excited to see how it holds up. Soooooo…let’s get to it.

Inspector Gadget : S.1, E.8: “Haunted Castle”

Originally Aired: September 21, 1983

Plot:

We get the classic Gadget opening which is a tune I can be caught humming a lot more often than you’d imagine. It’s just catchy AF and gets me hyped for the show.

Gadget, Penny and Brain are driving the Gadgetmobile through Transylvania, the home of Count Dracula, if you didn’t know. Cut to Dr. Claw and Mad Cat who have a Transylvanian office now and are planning for the arrival of the good guys. Apparently,there’s a law-enforcement convention in town and the bad Doctor is planning to be able to rid himself of the Inspector once and for all.

The arrive at The Skull Inn which is dark and demonic looking…kind of like a Motel 6. As they walk in, they’re met by Chief Quimby who points out Count Dracula’s Castle out the window and says the locals have been hearing voices in there recently that they believe to be Dr. Claw. It’s up to Gadget to stop Claw’s evil plans to disrupt the big law-enforcement conference.

Gadget and crew hit the road to check out Dracula’s castle, but Dr. Claw is waiting and unleashes some booby traps. Of course, Gadget just thinks the roads are terrible and calls the tourist bureau to complain as they barely escape a brush with death.

The good Inspector leads them into the castle as Dr. Claw sets his evil plan in motion. Penny and Brain are terrified, but settle down as they explore the castle and don’t see any spookiness. Claw wants to split up the group so he sends a clue his way to make Gadget want to explore on his own. Penny, of course, sees right through this and sends Brain to tail Gadget as she checks out the other parts of the castle.

Penny is almost immediately captured by MAD agents as Gadget unknowingly thwarts the first attempt at capturing him.Brain guides Gadget to the basement to get him to help Penny, but they eventually fall through a trap-door and into a cavern where they’re reunited with Penny.

From here we get some wonderful Gadget and company darting in and out of booby traps and causing havoc for MAD agents until the plan is foiled for good. The law-enforcement convention goes off without a hitch and Dr. Claw escapes into the night while exclaiming that Gadget will never catch him.

Final Review:

Inspector Gadget is incredibly cheesy and I make no bones about loving it. Sure, the episodes are just Dr. Claw’s daily new scheme, but they’re presented in a way that entertains more than frustrates like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles can after a while.

The voice-acting is terrific and I love not knowing what Dr. Claw looks like. It’s a tiny thing, but it adds a layer of intrigue to wonder if you’ll ever actually get to see him.

When they finally made a Gadget Super Nintendo game, it was promoted that you’d finally see Dr. Claw if you were able to get to end. I never played this game. Some things are better off unknown.

So yeah, if you’re looking for amazing writing or storytelling, you’re in the wrong place, but if you want a light-hearted fun half hour, come on it and watch some Inspector Gadget with me.

❤ Joe

 

Daily Cartoon! She-Ra, S.1,E.14: “Friendship”

Welcome! Trying something new in an effort to not make me hate all the cartoons I loved as a kid. From now on, I’ll just be picking random episodes of random cartoons and doing my synopses. People read this and think they’re fun, so I want to keep doing them, but it gets hard when you begin hating what you’re watching.

Those of you who listen to the show know what a fan I am of the He-Man universe. And, obviously, that would include She-Ra and all the happenings on planet Etheria! Seeing as how the Princess of Power series was just re-added to Netflix, I decided to dial-up a random choice with a short title. That was legitimately my criteria: one word title. So let’s see how this fares on its own.

She-Ra: Princess of Power: S.1, E.14: “Friendship”

Originally Aired: September 25, 1985

Plot:

Because of He-Man, I’m a huge fanboy of FILMATION, the company that produced the He-Man/She-Ra series as well Bravestarr, Ghostbusters and others. Seeing the letters fall into place to form the logo at the beginning of each episode gets me absolutely fired up. I’m not even joking. I love it.

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We get the opening where Adora explains her origin for those not in the loop. Fabulous secrets were revealed to her the day she held aloft her magic sword and proclaimed, “…for the honor of Grayskull.” All great stuff.

She explains how her friends in the great rebellion look to free Etheria from the evil forces of Hordak, the big bad here and his Horde. After all, this is a rebellion and she’s gonna rebel.

So we pick up in the Forest where Adora has received a letter from a woman who was her second in command while still working for the Horde which says she will be put in prison because Hordak blames her for Adora turning babyface and joining the Rebellion. She has to go help. Bow and others offer to come along, but Adora refuses and says she must go alone to make it harder to be spotted while trespassing in the Fright Zone.

She-Ra instructs Swiftwind, her trusty, winged steed to pay close attention because anything can happen. Just as she says this, she is dragged into a tar pit by a cyclops squid monster. She’s pulled completely under, but within seconds, Squidclops (my name, not her’s) is launched into orbit and She-Ra emerges unscathed, but dripping with tar. This is an easy fix as she just spins around really fast until the tar is no more and she’s back to a glisten. But of course.

Cut to Bow who is traveling with Cowl to provide Adora some backup. They’re just worried and want to ensure her safety. She-Ra and Swiftwind encounter an angry pterodactyl looking monster who isn’t happy to have guests. She-Ra reads this thing’s mind and is able to figure out that it has an injured wing. She presses her hand to it and magically heals the beast who is now her friend.The Princess of Power, folks: a cross between Jesus Christ and Mr. Miyagi.

I guarantee this comes into play later in the episode when She-Ra finds herself in a pickle.

She-Ra gets into the Fright Zone and switches back into Adora. She’s surprised by the ease of access as there should be guards stationed around, but plays it off as if they must be on lunch or something. She hears her friend, Lonnie, call to her, but wouldn’t you know, this was all just a trap put in place by Hordak to play on Adora’s kind nature to pull her back into captivity.

Lonnie pulls the ole SUHPRISE and out pops Hordak and the Shadow Weaver. Turns out, Lonnie had no choice as Hordak has been holding her father captive on Beast Island and this was her way of getting him released. But Hordak pulls the okey-doke on her too and won’t release him as promised. Lonnie must feel like shit.

Bow arrives in the Fright Zone and is immediately met by Horde Troopers that he disposes of rather routinely before encountering Grizzlor and a crew of Troopers. Bow outsmarts the shit out of them by killing the lights and is able to locate Adora in Hordak’s chamber. Hordak hits him with some sleep gas and things are looking bleak for the good guys. Cowl, however, is still around and is able to grab Adora’s sword and getting out through the window just before Hordak is able to secure the chamber. Hordak isn’t at all upset about losing the sword as he still has Adora and Bow in shackles.

Hordak takes Adora to Beast Island so the Shadow Weaver can again try to get control of her mind, but Cowl slips into the cell and delivers the sword so Adora can transform into She-Ra. Grizzlor comes to transport the prisoner and is shocked to find She-Ra where Adora should be.

She disposes of the baddies then frees Bow and tells Lonnie to come with them so they can free her father. Lonnie must realllllllly feel like shit.

They find Lonnie’s dad, but Hordak and some Troopers immediately attempt to thwart their rescue efforts. They pose basically zero resistance and She-Ra turns her sword to a lasso to swing up to the cage suspended high in the air to free Lonnie’s father.

Our heroes escape into the wilderness of Beast Island which is roamed by all sorts of monsters. There’s no way they’ll be able to get out of this alive. They’re met by all sorts of monsters who have laser eyes, but of course, She-Ra’s pterodactyl monster from earlier comes in to rescue them and fly the entire crew back to Whispering Woods. Friends come in all sorts of shapes, but we are lucky to have them all.

Final Thoughts:

Yeah, I knew what this was going to be. What a ridiculous concept. If you’re expecting some cutting edge writing or thought-provoking stories, you’re not getting it here. We see how good of a heart Adora has and her willingness to help friends and then we get what I assume is their daily escape from the clutches of the Horde.

When it comes down to it, this was the 80s and, apparently, just what these cartoons were. She-Ra: Princess of Power did get a nice run of 93 episodes and had a pretty bad-ass toy line so there was obviously a market for it; especially at a time where there weren’t very many vehicles like this being presented to young girls.

All in all, if I were watching this series straight through, I can imagine it would become quite the chore as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and M.A.S.K. have for me beforehand, but as a standalone episode, it’s fine to look back the cheesiness of it and just accept it for what it is.

You don’t need to have seen the prior episodes as the background is given during the opening credits so you can just sit back and be thrown into today’s adventure which, to be fair, is not the worst thing in the world.

So, She-Ra, you still got it, girl. But don’t expect me to binge watch you and your friends anytime soon.

❤ Joe

Daily Cartoon! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles S.3,E.8: “The Fifth Turtle”

OK, I know, I basically took a month off. I needed to. This show was just getting to me and I’m not someone who can deal with being force-fed shit. But I have time and am sitting in a hotel with nothing to do so I’m gonna give this another whirl. It’s been long enough.

I’ve watched a lot of other things in between which I probably should have reviewed for the hell of it, but I didn’t because I suck.

But I will be better with getting content up here. Maybe not everyday, but more than there has been recently. Promise.

S.3, E.8: “The Fifth Turtle”. Original Air Date: October 30th, 1989

Plot:

It’s been a while, so once again, I pop huge for the intro theme. It seriously does such a good job of getting you excited to be watching this show. The energy, the colors, the characters. All, just terrific.

We begin in the lair late at night where the Turtles have the munchies. They’re also all out of shredded mozzarella and send Donatello and Raphael to go to the all-night market so they can make pizza. Because god forbid any of them have a fucking sandwich or some pretzel rods or something.

They two get their groceries and decide to take a shortcut through an alley where they’re encountered by a gang of toughs. As they get ready to throw down, a kid in a TMNT Halloween costume jumps in front of them and threatens the thugs declaring himself as Zach another of the superhero Turtles. We all see where this going. The kid basically falls on his dumb face immediately, but Raph and Donnie take care of business with ease. The two real Turtles then tell Zach that he’s not a Turtle and he could have gotten hurt which causes the little guy to run away upset that his heroes wouldn’t appreciate his efforts. On the way out, though, he picks up Raph’s TurtleCom which was lost during the kerfuffle and states that he’ll show them that he can be just as tubular or some shit. I don’t know. I already disdain this kid.

Cut to the Technodrome where Krang is providing an astronomy lesson for Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady. There’s some kind of planetary alignment coming tomorrow night that – with the use of Krang’s new weapon and some strategically placed crystals – will finally raise the Technodrome back to the surface.

We head to Channel 6 News where April O’Neil is getting a hot tip that there’s been a break-in at a lab and Bebop and Rocksteady have been spotted. She hits up the TMNT on the TurtleCom to let them know, but Zach also gets the message on his newly found device and is hyped to join in on the action.

Shredder is leading a robbery at the lab to steal the crystals Krang needs, but the Turtles interrupt and have him dead to rights until fuckboi Zach comes rolling in on his bicycle and ruins everything. The tables have now turned and Shredder has the advantage. Zach has a close call with death, but is saved at the last second by Raphael. Shredder and his mutants are able to use the distraction to escape with the crystals and keep their plans in tact for the raising of the Technodrome, but not before Rocksteady blabs the whole plan to April on their way out.

Zach is able to track the Turtles back to their lair using his junior detective kit that looks like something you’d order from the back of a comic in the 80s. Splinter is actually impressed that Zach has done what others have been unable to do and find the lair. The Turtles give him a quick tour and offer him some pizza because, hey, they’ve got time to kill before squashing Shredder and Krang’s evil plan, right? Everybody needs to take a blow here and there. Splinter then advises Zach not to interfere going forward because nobody wants to see him get hurt.

Shredder decides to use Zach’s enthusiasm for his benefit and calls the police to report that he found a bicycle and would like to return it. He gives the cops a license plate number and the police are more than happy to give him Zach’s address thinking that he’s a good Samaritan and not at all a child rapist.

Let’s take a moment. The cops just tell Shredder the address like it ain’t no thang. What in the glorious fuck?! Like, in the 80s, weren’t we all terrified of people snatching children from everywhere?! Pay close attention to your kids in the supermarket, folks! Or else people will grab them and you’ll never see them ever again! That shit was real! “America’s Most Wanted” was basically created for just that type of shit! And here’s the NYPD just GIVING Shredder a local boy’s address because he happened to have the license plate number of the kid’s bicycle. (And don’t get me started on just how ludicrous it is for bicycles to have a license plate. Come the fuck on.) But yeah. Who just gives out this kind of information?! Now I hope Bebop eats this fucking kid and the NYPD all get fired for providing a known villain with his home address without even asking who was calling or anything.

OK, I’m back from that tangent. That was intense, eh? Fine, let’s see what else happens.

Bebop and Rocksteady go to Zach’s house, but are pretty loud about it and Zach is able to hide to avoid getting taken. Bebop says it doesn’t matter if they find the kid because once they get the crystals set up, the Turtles won’t be able to stop them from raising the Technodrome. Zach hears this, of course, and – even though he promised Splinter he wouldn’t get involved, decides that the Turtles are his friends and Turtles stick together. OK, sure, kid.

Back at the lair, Donatello uses science to figure out that Shredder plans to use the Planetarium to put the plan into use. Because, of course. Zach heads there and just knows Donatello will figure out the whole thing about the Planetarium because he’s so smart, but he’ll just hang outside so he can warn the TMNT. Why this asshole kid is talking to himself in the middle of the night when he knows bad guys are all around is beyond me. What a fucking mark.

Of course, Rocksteady pops out from behind the bushes and captures Zach so they’ll be no warning the Turtles.

The Turtles hit the Planetarium and basically give up once Shredder brandishes the captured kid. So now all five of these guys are tied up and there’s no way they’ll be able to foil Krang’s evil plans this time around.But SUHPRISE! The crystals are reactive to sound and fuckboi Zach knows just the thing!

He asks for Donatello’s TurtleCom and is able to shift just enough to plug his headphones into the jack that never existed in any episode prior to this which creates the world’s most annoying sound. Everybody within earshot is fucking pissed, but the noise forces the crystals to explode and the Technodrome can no longer be raised. A piece of the crystal lands near Leonardo’s foot and he’s able to kick it up so they can free themselves and attack the baddies.

That Shredder is crafty, however, and drops a smoke bomb so he and the mutants can escape to fight another day. Shredder really is horrible at this whole bad guy thing.

The Turtles and Splinter thank Zach for his help and give him a TurtleCom as a gift as well as declaring him an honorary Turtle. Hooray.

Final Thoughts:

I don’t even know. So Zach is 13 and the only family shown is an older brother who is maybe 16. There’s no parental supervision and the kid is able to just walk right out of the house at all hours of the night and ride his bike like it’s nothing even thought New York City is depicted as being this awful, crime-infested hell hole.

Zach would be 41 years-old now and I hope to fucking hell that he’s a much more attentive parent to his kids than his parents were to him. That’s if he’s still alive and didn’t get himself killed by another bumbling evil-doer. That’s a story I’d like to see April O’Neil report on live from the scene.

This show has about as much depth as the kiddie pool at Munchkin Land. It also makes me absolutely terrified to re-watch He-Man since that was and is my jam and I don’t want it to ever be ruined for me.

Jeez. What’s a boy to do? Maybe I just need a new show. This was episode 26 overall of this show and that seems to be about the time I gave up on M.A.S.K. I don’t know. We’ll think of something.

Until then, remember to listen to the latest episode of the Car JoeMez Podcast, subscribe and leave a review. Also, feel free to go back and listen to all the older episodes as well!

❤ Joe