Cabrera Requests Trade, Makes All Of Us Wish We Could

Hours before Friday’s game, Mets shortstop Asdrubal Cabrera, said he thinks it’s best if he’s traded since he is being asked to switch positions before the team decided to approach him with the prospect of such a move apparently.

This isn’t shocking.

You would think that as the years go by and everybody involved gets replaced by new faces who are more level-headed and the textbook “smart baseball lifers”, that this kind of shit would go away. You’d think the feeling and aura of fuckery and buffoonery that surrounds this franchise would be a thing of the past by now, but nope!

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The Mets pissed off another veteran player today by apparently not letting him know that they planned to have him change positions when he returned from the disabled list and with that, Cabrera, who before today had a sterling reputation as a classy, professional player got labeled selfish and spoiled.

Well, fuck that.

Listen, it’d be one thing if Cabrera was being asked to move to make way for top prospect Amed Rosario, but nope, that’s not what’s happening here. Instead of such a common-sense move, Asdrubal is losing his spot to…Jose Reyes.

Now, if this was 2007, that would also be understandable. Unfortunately, it’s not and Jose Reyes in 2017 flat-out sucks. That’s not even facetious. He’s been all levels of awful all season and you can (and I have) argue that he isn’t even worthy of a roster spot at this point in his career.

I understand that Asdrubal has had a rough season as he’s struggled defensively as well as with a wrist injury, but the idea that this team needs to find a spot for Jose fucking Reyes is beyond fucking ridiculous.

So yeah, I’m #TeamAssDribble on this one. I’m all for teamwork and all that jazz, but with the way this season has imploded, I’m just jealous I can’t jump off the ship with him.

Twitter: @MaximusSexPower

ShoesOnSports@gmail.com

For Mets It’s Bad Judgment, Bad Luck, Bad Results

During Spring Training, I would have never believed that I’d be sitting here in June already writing off the season as a failure and looking toward the future…again.

As Mets fans, it’s something that we’re conditioned to: the gloom and doom and the constant peering over the horizon hoping to see the glimmer of better days ahead, but this time, it was supposed to be different. We were supposed to be in the middle of a new golden age of Mets baseball. Instead, we’re back to “same, old Mets”.

As we begin the day, the team is 13.5 games out of the Wild Card and divisional races and there is little reason to expect a turnaround. Once again, the Mets have been besieged by injuries to just about every player who was depended on to put up a big season and those who have stayed healthy have underperformed in almost all facets of the game which have led to a rash of embarrassing losses and a team that has become close to unwatchable to all but the most die-hard of fans.

I often say that when things go wrong for the Mets, it’s not just that the wheels fall off, it’s that the entire car drives off a cliff and bursts into flames and that has never been more evident than this season. The worst part is you can’t pinpoint just one factor that led to this. So rather than try to do that, let’s go over how we got here:

Injuries

The obvious beginner. While “if healthy” is always the equalizer when making any kind of prediction coming into a season, the magnitude to which the Mets have been bitten by the injury bug this season has been otherworldly. Just this season alone, the team has seen time spent on the disabled list from:

  1. Steven Matz
  2. Seth Lugo
  3. Matt Harvey
  4. Noah Syndergaard
  5. Zack Wheeler
  6. Jeurys Familia
  7. Tommy Milone
  8. Josh Smoker

Yeah, that’s pretty bad. Now take a look at that list again and realize that it’s only pitchers! Because – in the immortal words of Billy Mays – wait, there’s more!

  1. Yoenis Cespedes
  2. Travis d’Arnaud
  3. David Wright
  4. Asdrubal Cabrera
  5. Juan Lagares
  6. Lucas Duda
  7. Neil Walker
  8. Wilmer Flores

And that’s just off the top of my head! There could even be others that I’m missing. Hell, you can count Brandon Nimmo if you want since he was shut down in Spring Training. That is a lot of people and there’s not a team on the planet in any sport that has enough depth to replace all of those players for a period of time.

We can debate how the team’s medical and strength and conditioning staff operates, but that’s for another time and is much better covered by Jerry Crasnick at ESPN. But not having the horses you depended on make it incredibly hard to win a race. This is defending anybody/thing, just pointing out a fact.

Terry Collins

OK, OK, OK. I hate Terry Collins, I know. I’ve been calling for his termination for years at this point and, while you can’t say everything this year is his fault, he’s still shown himself to be a horrible in-game manager. He is Colactus the Devourer of Bullpens, along with being the guy who will blindly give an aging and underperforming veteran way too much playing time instead of the younger player who needs time on the field to develop. This isn’t even just some loudmouth taking up a cause. Anybody who watches this team regularly is consistently amazed by his ineptitude on multiple levels.

Recently, MLB Network ran a segment that ranked all 30 MLB managers as tacticians. Not surprisingly, Collins ranked near the bottom at 27th overall. Surprisingly, there are three managers that the makers of this list consider worse.

The problem with getting rid of Collins now, though, is who do you get to replace him? There’s not exactly a guy waiting in the wings on the current coaching staff or in the minors and how many times do you want a thrice-fired retread leading the way? They never had any intention of going the Wally Backman route when he was running the Triple A Las Vegas 51s and have left themselves in a position to once again sift through the scrap heap if and when they finally decide to make a move.

The Wilpons Are Still Broke/Baseball Operations

You’re tired of hearing it, I’m tired of saying it, but it’s a fact of life. This team has not shown anything to make you believe that they owners are willing and able to act like a major-market team yet. Sure, they resigned Yoenis Cespedes to a big money contract, but they didn’t add a single free agent at the Major League level that didn’t end the season with them last year. Was that financial or strictly a baseball decision?

I know a lot of people who want to see spending just for the sake of spending, but it’s more about spending money correctly. Especially when you are not being operated like a big market franchise. This team simply can’t afford to miss on a big contract or signing. With David Wright basically being a dead man walking, the team is collecting heavily on his insured contract, but that money hasn’t even been reinvested in the roster.

When it comes down to it, neither Fred or Jeff Wilpon has ever been accused of caring too much about their team. MLB, when Bud Selig was in charge, went out of the way to ensure the Wilpons were able to keep control despite the way they strong-armed Frank McCourt into selling the Dodgers.  Wilpon and Selig are friends and, because of that, Wilpon isn’t going anywhere. That is not a good thing.

So with all that said, we’re back to: is this finances or the baseball people overestimating the talent they had in-house? We probably won’t ever know the extent to which it ebbs one way or the other, but the way this roster was constructed is most certainly flawed.

I’ve always been a supporter and believer in General Manager, Sandy Alderson, but you can’t help but question the logic of coming into this season without a real center fielder or legitimate everyday option for third base. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on things like the depth of the pitching staff and bullpen because of the sheer volume of injuries suffered, but there was no excuse to field such a limited and unathletic roster that has little athleticism and flexibility to be able to consistently catch the baseball and gives the opposition way too many extra outs to play with. That is on Sandy and crew and there’s no way around that.

Where Sandy also has to pick up blame is in the draft and that was on perfect display for the last few days against the Dodgers. In today’s NY Post, Kevin Kernan wrote an article highlighting some questionable personnel decisions that the front office has made since taking over which includes drafting Gavin Cecchini six spots before Los Angeles selected wonderkind shortstop, Corey Seager. There are more examples of such misses (the article mentions letting Daniel Murphy and Justin Turner walk, which isn’t entirely fair), but then again, sixteen other teams also passed on Seager that year.

The MLB Draft is such a crapshoot. You don’t see any real return or potential for a couple of years after making your picks, but you have to wonder what goes on in situations like these. You constantly hear about the grizzled, old baseball lifer complaining about the new stats-driven period we’re living in saying that you have to use the “eye-test” and be able to spot things that don’t show up in a box score. While Sandy Alderson certainly leans towards data and is the Godfather of Sabrmetric usage in front offices, he’s not exactly at the forefront of that movement any longer and has been around the game so long that he probably is more old-school now than people really think. He certainly hasn’t found the latest inefficiency to exploit like some of his cohorts around the league and the Mets may be suffering because of it.

Underperformance, Over Reliance, Indecision

This can easily be broken into their own sections, but I’ll try to combine them to save space and time. Look, I’ve written before about how much I love Jose Reyes (domestic violence incident notwithstanding), but you can’t watch the current version of him and honestly say he’s a Major League player right now. At the plate, he’s been an unmitigated disaster, hovering well below the Mendoza line for the majority of 2017 thus far and getting so jumpy while hitting with men on base that he resembles somebody stuck on the subway who just wants to get to the next stop so they can run off the train and find somewhere to drop a deuce. He hasn’t been any better in the field either as his diminished range and lack of comfort at 3B have made him a liability on both ends.

To further pile on Jose, because of Terry Collins’ insistence on playing vets, he was getting way too much undeserved playing time while Wilmer Flores, TJ Rivera and anybody else who was younger and could maybe represent an upgrade rotted on the bench until semi-recently. It’s not just Reyes, but he represents the most glaring example on a roster that can’t afford to keep dead weight around. Which brings us to…

Amed Rosario.

The 900 lb elephant in the room, Amed Rosario is the Mets’ best prospect and has been tearing things up at Triple A Las Vegas so far this season. We could all sit here and accept that the Mets had to wait to call him up until the deadline for Super 2 had passed (or else lose a year of team control at a very team-friendly salary), but with other huge market teams (like the Milwaukee Brewers *eyeroll*) having already made moves to bring their players to the bigs, the Mets are out of excuses.

Rosario wouldn’t come here and be a savior, but he certainly represents an upgrade of Reyes and the incredibly diminished Asdrubal Cabrera. Cabrera, who was as steady and solid a player as we could have hoped for in 2016, has turned into a poor facsimile of last year’s edition and is now a butcher in the field. Cabrera was never thought of as a great defensive shortstop, but he did seem to make all the plays you’re supposed to make. That has dramatically changed this year.

Quite simply, while Amed Rosario is a member of the Las Vegas 51s, the New York Mets are not doing everything in their power to win baseball games.

He may not be a completely finished product, but he’s better than what’s currently here and that’s all that should matter. I constantly hear people also clamor for the Mets to promote Dominic Smith – their top first base prospect – but it’s clear that those people just want to see moves for the sake of it. Smith isn’t close to the level of ready that Rosario is. Maybe he gets a late-season call-up to get a taste of the bigs this season, but the hole at 1B on the big club also isn’t as terrible as the one currently occupying SS. There should be no rush with Smith.

The 2017 edition of the Mets is simply a case study for Murphy’s Law (especially when playing the Nationals). Anything that can go wrong, will and things don’t necessarily have to get better.

As we get closer to the non-waiver trade deadline, it’s already apparent that the Mets should be sellers. They have a decent array of players who are potential free agents who could be attractive to contenders, but nobody that will demand a huge return that will restock or replenish a far system that has thinned out with the number of players promoted and/or moved during the postseason runs of the past two years.

Lucas Duda, Jay Bruce, Neil Walker (if healthy), Addison Reed and Jerry Blevins could be helpful to teams making a late-season push, but the return on those players wouldn’t be the kind of mega-haul that teams hope to bring back when selling at the deadline. In addition, the Mets are still a team that believes that their window for winning in the immediate future is still open (key phrase here) if healthy and they will be struck with the arduous task of replacing these players and more going into next season.

It is a completely horrible situation to be in and, as this West Coast road trip continues to see the team fall even further from contention, the crowds at Citi Field will continue to thin out especially as the crosstown Yankees (despite their recent struggles) showcase a better product with a player like Aaron Judge becoming the new toast of the town.

Any goodwill and stake in the marketplace that the Mets had built up over the past few seasons is rapidly evaporating and there should be a very real sense of urgency in the front office to find ways to improve the situation as rapidly as possible before all the Cespedes and Syndergaard shirts in town are replaced by Judge and Sanchez models.

There’s no way to sugarcoat this. The Mets put all their chips on their young pitching and it hasn’t led to the sustainable run they were banking on. There is plenty of reason to worry about what the immediate future will look like since it’s not exactly like these pitchers are all in their early 20s still. Noah Syndergaard is the youngest amongst the big five at 24, but Matt Harvey (28), Jacob deGrom (29), Steven Matz (26) and Zack Wheeler (27) are all quickly closing in on 30 and only have a combined 128 career wins between the five for a staff that you’d think would feature that number individually with all the hype that has surrounded them.

Unless the Mets are able to totally defeat the demons of their past and recent history and not only keep these players healthy, but return them to top form, the 2017 season may just be the iceberg that sunk the Mets Titanic championship dreams.

Twitter: @MaximusSexPower

E-Mail: ShoesOnSports@gmail.com

 

 

 

Daily Cartoon: BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES, E. 18: “Beware the Gray Ghost”

It’s been a while, but I figured this was a good time to jump back into cartoon reviews. This weekend we lost Adam West who had many credits to his name, but is – obviously – best known for portraying Bruce Wayne/Batman in the 1960s TV series. For decades, the show has lived on in syndication and generations of people have all been thrilled by the campy fun of West and Burt Ward as Batman and Robin.

Personally, I loved the 60s Batman series and when they recently released the animated BATMAN: RETURN OF THE CAPED CRUSADERS movie last year, I was hyped. It was done in the same tone as the original series and featured West, Ward and Julie Newmar (Catwoman) all reprising their famous roles some half-century after the fact.

Twenty-five years ago, however, there was a different Batman tribute to Adam West and it came in an episode of Batman: The Animated Series which was a huge deal on FOX in 1992. The series itself is terrific, still holds up and can be streamed on Amazon Prime if you feel inclined to give it a watch, but the eighteenth episode in particular is notable for a certain guest star: Adam West.

West portrays The Gray Ghost a TV character that young Bruce Wayne idolized as a child and – SPOILER – ends with Bruce Wayne meeting Simon Trent (the actor who played The Gray Ghost) where the new Batman tells the old one that he was – and still is – his hero.

So, in light of recent events, now felt like a good time to revisit a classic episode of a wonderful cartoon series in honor of someone who has entertained anybody who would take the time to read this.

So, without further ado, let’s watch a cartoon.

Batman: The Animated Series Episode 18, “Beware the Gray Ghost”

Originally Aired: November 4th, 1992

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Plot:

We open with some interweaving shots of a young Bruce Wayne sitting on the floor of his living room watching an episode of “The Gray Ghost” with current Batman investigating a bombing in Gotham City that is very similar to said Ghost episode. At the bombing sites in both the episode and in Gotham, a note is left behind promising more bombings unless a ransom is paid. In both instances, they are signed by “The Mad Bomber”.

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Current day Bruce awakens after a dream in which he remembers the episode, but can’t quite put together what the bomber’s next move will be because he had fallen asleep and didn’t see how the episode ends so the next day, Alfred drives him to a local vintage shop which claims to have copies of every show ever made…except The Gray Ghost. Apparently, the studio which produced the series went up in flames twenty years ago and all copies of the show were lost.

To take an aside for a moment, there’s no way that this shop could have possibly been financially viable, right? I mean, in 1992, we have to be dealing – almost exclusively – in bootleg copies of all these old shows and there’s no way in hell that this could have supported a brick-and-mortar store front. Don’t get me wrong, before DVD box set collections, I was known to buy some He-Man and the Masters of the Universe bootleg VHS tapes at small comic cons and comic book stores, but to have a shop that is completely based around such a thing before the internet and online ordering seems like a colossal waste of money. Just me thinking aloud here. But I digress.

Bruce decided to go to The Television Guild building to look up Simon Trent, the actor who played The Gray Ghost. He finds his entry in what appears to be a yearbook of Guild actors and finds that Trent is living right here in Gotham! What a stroke of luck!

We cut to Simon Trent’s apartment in an old, run-down section of Gotham where the landlord is banging on his door and demanding rent. Simon is down on his luck and can’t get any work because people still think of him as only The Gray Ghost even though he insists he can do other roles. Casting directors just aren’t hearing that, however.

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Simon – on the verge of being homeless – loses control and begins to destroy his shelves of Gray Ghost memorabilia. He falls to floor and begins sobbing as the role that defined him also made it impossible for him to earn a living in his later years.

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Down on his luck, Simon heads to a hobby shop to sell whatever he has remaining of his memorabilia. The clerk is excited by his belongings, but says that he’s unable to pay much because Gray Ghost merchandise just isn’t in demand. Simon, defeated, accepts whatever he can pay and then returns home. He looks at his Ghost poster – now in a broken frame – and says, “Well, old friend, you’ve paid the rent for the last time.”

It is incredibly sad to hear Adam West’s very distinctive voice utter these words.

Simon falls asleep in his chair, but when he awakens, he is shocked to find his shelves and poster frame all repaired and re-stocked with all of his Gray Ghost keepsakes including his original Gray Ghost outfit. A note attached to the costume informs him of a meeting time later tonight. It is signed by “a friend”.

Simon arrives at the meeting and is shocked to find it’s Batman there to see him, He tries to run, but c’mon, how in the hell does this old man think he’s going to be able to just run away from Batman. Like, he obviously knew who Batman was. If much younger criminals of a stronger cloth can’t escape the Dark Knight, how the hell is old, broke Simon Trent thinking that he can? Plus, why is he running? Batman is a good guy. What is Simon Trent hiding that he’d run from Batman. I’ve got questions, sir.

Batman relays the similarities of the bombings to the episode of the show, but Simon can’t remember and is visibly shaken. He made hundreds of those episodes, but more than anything, just wants to be left alone and for the stranger in the costume to stop bothering him.

Simon returns home only to find Batman already standing in his apartment. Batman reiterates the importance of Simon remembering how the episode and – just to get Batman to leave – digs to the back of his closet where he has a complete film reel library of Gray Ghost episodes. He gives “The Mad Bomber” to Batman and again begs him to leave. Batman tells Simon that he always admired what The Gray Ghost stood for, and Simon, becoming increasingly frustrated, yells that he’s just an actor and not the Ghost. Batman says he can see that now and leaves Simon to wallow in his own self-pity.

Batman returns to Wayne Manor to screen the episode and finds that the bomber in the show was using small remote-controlled toy cars loaded with explosives to blow up the buildings. Batman is able to figure out the location of the next target and prevent the Gotham Library from becoming ash.

When some of these explosive-packed RC cars are sent in Batman’s direction, he gets unexpected help from an unlikely source: The Gray Ghost. Batman invites the Ghost to help him with the investigation and the two head to the Batcave. Upon arrival and once he removes the mask so he wouldn’t know the location of the Batcave, the Gray Ghost is shocked to see that the Batcave looks like an exact replica of The Gray Ghost’s lair. Batman then tells Ghost to follow him to a hidden room where, upon turning the lights on, the Ghost is shown Batman’s full shrine of Gray Ghost memorabilia.

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Batman tells Ghost about how he watched the show as a child with his father and that Ghost was his hero. Simon soaks in that he inspired the greatest detective of all and how hearing that made his journey worthwhile, but before we can expand upon this tender moment, Batman’s tech has finally come back with a fingerprint match on the toy cars. A match belonging to…Simon Trent.

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Ghost swears it wasn’t him, but Batman – just moments ago proclaiming his admiration – now interrogates him hard declaring that the combination of fingerprints, toys and knowledge of the show made him the obvious culprit. Simon, now scared for his well-being, informs Batman that he hasn’t had these toys in months because he had sold them to pay his rent.

Cut to Batman showing up in the shadows of the lair of…the hobby shop store clerk who fully admits to using his toys to hold the city ransom that way he’s able to buy more toys because being a collector is so goddamn expensive. As far as motives go, I’m actually on board with this one. I mean, it’s impossible to collect almost anything nowadays because of how cost-prohibitive things are.

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The toy collector has Batman surrounded by the toy-car bombs, but in swoops Gray Ghost to destroy the guy’s computer controls causing the bombs to detonate and destroy the entire toy store.

Gray Ghost is a hero for his work in helping Batman which leads to a surge of interest in everything Ghost including – what appears to be a DVD box set years before such a thing would have existed.

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Ghost appears at what looks like a Tower Records (remember those?) for a meet-and-greet to celebrate the release of the Ghost collection and is asked to sign a video to Bruce. As he turns to leave, Bruce stops and tells Simon that he had watched Ghost with his father as a kid and that not only was he his hero then, but he still is. We get a knowing look between Ghost and Bruce before we hit the credits.

Final Thoughts:

OK, the villain today was kind of whack, but I can totally get behind wanting to collect a ransom so you’re able to buy more toys. These shits are expensive AF and if you want anything even remotely vintage, you better have a helluva job or own a Zeppole truck to stack that cash.

That being said, the scenes where Simon Trent is hating his being pigeon-holed as Gray Ghost is actually really well done and makes you wonder just how much of that Adam West himself went though in the post-Batman years. Seeing as how he was a regular on the convention circuit for an incredibly long time, I’d be led to assume that it was more out of necessity than optional.

Batman helping him to get his groove back is outstanding and the end scene of Bruce and Simon’s interaction is a great wink to the audience and fans of the character in general.

All in all, good episode and I really love the animation style in this show and think it still holds up well 25 years after the fact. I should probably give this entire series a good, long re-watch.

Ep. 44: The Mighty Ducks

We didn’t quit. Just got delayed. But Ep. 44 is finally here! We begin with a little NHL playoffs talk, discuss the whole United Airlines situation, compare Sidney Crosby and Brandon Dubinsky to Sonic The Hedgehog and Dr. Robotnik and tell some stories before getting to our main portion: detailing The Mighty Ducks trilogy! The Big Finish: top Pop-Tarts flavors! Listen on iTunes, Soundcloud, Stitcher or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe, rate, review and share with a pal!

Episode 41: Jean-Claude Van Damme

It’s a new week, so we give you a new episode! Check out our tribute to our double-main man, JCVD! We discuss five of his classic films in our own adorable way and you get to hear the Main Man Standings Song five times! We give the people what they need. Listen and subscribe!

Ep. 40: KONG: SKULL ISLAND

Folks, Episode 40 is here! This was a lot of fun and we think you’ll be into it! We check out the latest entry into the King Kong movieverse: KONG: SKULL ISLAND as well as discuss the latest offering from the Outback Steakhouse and spend way too much time theorizing what superheroes’ penises may or may not look like. It’s your favorite hour of the week!

Daily Cartoon! RAINBOW BRITE E.1: “Peril In The Pits”

Welcome to the Thursday edition of the Daily Cartoon on Car JoeMez! I’ve been trying to keep a good variety with this so today, we’re heading back to the 80s to catch an episode of Rainbow Brite!

I don’t remember how popular this was since I was really young when it was a thing, but – as a character – Rainbow Brite has had a pretty decent run. From being a big star for girls in the 80s to being a wonderfully slutty Halloween costume for those same girls once they grew up, she definitely has her fanbase.

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Halloween is the best.

I assume I’ve seen at least an episode of this show at some point, but I’ll be damned if I remember anything about it. I do, however, remember that it was the theme of my pre-school graduation in…1986, I think. Pretty sure that’s the right year. That seems to line up. You know who would know this? My mom. Hold on, I’m going to call her and see what she says.

Mom (picking up phone): Hey, what’s up?

Me: Quick question, when I graduated pre-school, the theme was Rainbow Brite, right?

Mom: Yes, actually, I think you’re right.

Me: And what year would that have been?

Mom: Let’s see…you were born in 1981. In September of 1982, you would have been one. In September of 1983, you would have been two…

Me (inner monologue): Is this really happening right now?

Mom: …in September of 1984, you would have been three…

Me (inner monologue): Holy shit, she’s serious…

Mom: …in September of 1985, you would have been four…in…yes, so, yes, 1986 is right.

Me: OK, that’s all I needed to know. Thanks.

Note: This was a legitimate, honest-to-goodness telephone call between my mom and I.

So now that we’ve solved the mystery of when I graduated pre-school, let’s actually talk about Rainbow Brite. I had no idea, but the character of Rainbow Brite was first created by Hallmark in 1983 (when I was two, as my Mom would say). In 1984 (when I was three), the cartoon was first introduced in a primetime special and then licensed to the fine people at Mattel for toys and other bullshit. In 1985 (when I was four), Rainbow Brite And The Star Stealer, an animated movie was theatrically released before the cartoon series was brought back for 12 more episodes in 1986 (when I was five).

So, OK, Rainbow Brite had a pretty decent run in the 80s and has been revived for a bunch of remakes and reboots since then. All terrific, I’m sure. So what’s this show about? Well, for the second straight day, I’m going to quote the geniuses at Wikipedia because – just like yesterday – if I wrote this on my own, you’d think I was doing the pot (that is only slightly worse than heroin, according to Republicans).

In Gen 1 continuity, and most of the franchise‘s backstory, a young girl named Wisp is brought to a gray, desolate land with the mission to bring color to this fictional world by locating the Sphere of Light. Along the way she befriends a furry creature (called a sprite) named Twink, a magnificent horse named Starlite and finds a mysterious baby who turns out to be the key to her mission. With the help of her new friends, Wisp locates the legendary Color Belt and rescues the seven Color Kids, who had been trapped by the King of Shadows. Using the Color Belt, Rainbow Brite and the Sphere of Light defeat the King of Shadows, liberate the sprites and bring color and beauty to the land, henceforth called Rainbow Land. Wisp is renamed Rainbow Brite in honor of her new role as leader of the Color Kids, who are together in charge of all the colors in the universe.

The Color Kids spread color across the universe from the Color Console inside the Color Castle. Each Color Kid works is in charge of her/his respective color. She/He has a personal sprite and he manages a number of like-colored Sprites that mine Color Crystals from the nearby Color Caves. These crystals are processed into Star Sprinkles which are the essential components to brightening and coloring any object or place. Rainbow Brite and the Color Kids’ mission is often complicated by the likes of Murky Dismal, his sidekick Lurky, and other villains. Brian, a boy from Earth, sometimes assisted Rainbow Brite in her adventures.

In the movie Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, the setting expands to include the diamond planet Spectra. All the light in the universe must pass through Spectra before coming to Earth. However, Earth soon falls into a wintry darkness when the diamond-obsessed Dark Princess decides to steal Spectra for her own. Rainbow Brite and her horse Starlite must team with Spectra’s boy warrior Krys and his horse shaped rocket On-X to defeat the powers of darkness and save Spectra, Earth and the universe.

Good fucking god, this is going to be amazing. I feel it in my fucking bones.

Let’s watch a cartoon.

Rainbow Brite E.1: “Peril In The Pits”

Originally Aired: June 27, 1984 (when I wasn’t quite three yet)

Plot:

We open with a boy, Brian, returning home from school all depressed about not making the team. His dog, Sam, keeps barking at him because a shit ton of rainbows just start decorating the sky out of nowhere and this morose motherfucker is way to melancholy to even look up.

Rainbow Brite appears on one of the rainbows a top her trusty, flying steed, Starlite and with her personal sprite, Twink and is intent on getting this kid to look at the fucking rainbows because she doesn’t believe anybody can be upset when looking at rainbows. It’s three minutes in and we’ve already found out that Rainbow Brite is an idiot.

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Rainbow reveals herself to Brian and explains they’re from Rainbowland and are responsible for putting the color in the world. Sure. I suppose there are jobs out there for everybody if you look hard enough.

Rainbow douses this kid in all sorts of colors and he’s rightfully pissed off about it. Apparently, the only way to get all the colors off him so he can go home and have dinner with his parents is by taking him to Rainbowland.

At this point, we meet Murky and his dimwitted sidekick, Lurky. They hate Rainbow Brite and colors and they want to make everything drab and colorless in order to destroy happiness and hope. Everybody has a fucking cause these days. Murky’s big plan is to steal Rainbow’s color belt by spraying her with his Gloom Spray that will…I guess turnover the belt to him. Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Rainbow returns to Rainbowland with Brian and is greeted by the Color Kids: six kids who are each in charge of one color of the rainbow. That’s when – SUHPRISE – Murky pops out of the bushes with the Gloom Spray that does nothing while Rainbow just destroys it with a spritz of rainbow from her magic belt. Murky and Lurky run off, but promise their next plan won’t fail so easy.

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Wait. That was the whole fucking plan?! Just one shot of Gloom Spray?! This guy doesn’t have a fucking prayer of ever getting this belt away from Rainbow.

Rainbow sends the Color Kids to keep watch on the Star Sprinkles just in case Murky tries something, but they’re apparently useless, since Murky hits them with a dose of Gloom Spray almost immediately. He takes the Color Kids as prisoners and grabs a handful of Sprinkles thinking they’ll come in handy later on. That’s called foreshadowing, folks.

Meanwhile, Rainbow gets word of the Color Kids’ capture just as she cures Brian from his rainbow skin tone. Her and Brian hop on Starlite and head to The Pits where Murky and Lurky live. Rainbow tries using the Color Belt, but its powers don’t work in The Pits. How will she ever rescue the Kids now?!

Murky traps and captures the rescuing heroes in no time AND gets Rainbow’s belt away from her! Now he can sap all of the color from Rainbowland!

 

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Murky and Lurky head to Rainbowland and start making everything suck. Today, he starts with Rainbowland and now, with Rainbow’s belt, he can steal the color from the entire world!

Rainbow gives an inspirational speech to all her fellow prisoners that – for all intents and purposes – is equivalent to…

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All the colorful people are crazy inspired and escape in time to foil Murky’s plan and to get the belt back so Rainbow can restore all the color in Rainbowland.

After a brief celebration, Rainbow returns Brian to his home where I guess he learned a valuable lesson about not letting shit bother him and to appreciate rainbows or something. Fuck if I know. Either way, he’s got a crush on Rainbow Brite and can’t even text her because they haven’t invented ways to communicate with girls in 1984 (when I wasn’t quite three yet). This is a sad ending now that I think of it.

Final Thoughts:

This is silly and I fucking loved it. Seriously, the good people at Hallmark must have had the best drugs when they came up with this right here.I have to watch the movie now. Have to. That’s going to be a Friday movie day somewhat soon on this blog, folks. Take that to the bank!

I wonder if Rainbow and Brian have that long “will they, won’t they” relationship. I mean, there’s only a movie and 12 more episodes so it can’t be too long, but I’m rooting for them. I doubt Rainbow gets to meet many boys outside of Rainbowland and instead of falling into what would feel like an arranged marriage with one of the male Color Kids that would probably be unfulfilling and bland, she needs a new and exciting Earth boy in her life. Go get you some, Rainbow Brite, go get you some.

I found this on YouTube, but there are some DVDs out there for the series and the movie. I think you’ll like it so go check it out and, as usual, bring those comments this way when you do.

See you for movie day tomorrow!

❤ Joe