Taxing Thoughts: WCW Monday Nitro Premiere Episode! 9/4/1995

I’m the Abominable CPA (@cpawrestles on most social platforms): independent wrestling superstar*, and emotional punching bag to the massive men and women I lock horns with in armories and high school gyms around the country.

* for formalities more than anything else

We return to the way-back machine to the September 4th, 1995 first ever episode of WCW Monday Nitro, hosted by our Saturday Night specials: Eric Bischoff and Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael, from the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota!

IT’S TIME!

Bischoff and Mongo greet us at the top of the program. Mongo looks like a character from the Preacher comics.

nitro

They are immediately interrupted by Bobby Heenen, who kisses up to Mongo, but Bischoff calls him on his BS (if you haven’t been following, Heenan was very critical of the decision to have ‘McNuggets’, as he called Mongo, as the main color commentator on the debut episode of Nitro).

Opening match is Japanese wrestling legend Jushin ‘Thunder’ Liger against Brian Pillman!

Liger has practically been wrestling since the dawn of time, and he’s awesome. He’s coming off of a recent injury here.

Heenan takes some subtle shots at Mongo on commentary, calling him a Bronco, in response to the fact that he was famously a Chicago Bears football player for years. Mongo calls him Bobby Hernia.

While this is a fun match, they almost kill each other several times.

Subtweeting Rip Rogers and Jim Cornette with this gif

Heenan continues to get on Mongo, and Mongo calls him Bobby the Stain. I’m very excited to see how many nicknames they can come up with for each other!

Liger makes me scream on a Frankensteiner.

Pillman wins with a victory roll!

Show of respect afterwards.

Sting is talking smack to Ric Flair, very similar to the rants on the eventual WCW Monday Nitro video game!

Mean Gene on shill duty for the WCW Hotline!

hotline2

As per the usual, that’s 1-900-909=9900 (kids: get parents’ permission before calling)!

We get an on-the-scene update from Hulk Hogan at his new restaurant: Pastamania!

pasta

Hogan has Big Bubba in the main event tonight! He’s eaten so many Hulk-A-Roos tonight, that he feels sorry for Bubba! I believe Hulk-A-Roos were Spaghettio’s, for those keeping score at home.

Up next, we have Ric Flair against United States Champion: Sting!

Mongo starts to take a jab at people watching Monday Night Raw, but Bischoff very animatedly stops him before he can get out the name of the other show.

A fan foreshadows Sting’s shady future (or at least that’s how I took it).

sting

In what was a gigantic surprise to 99% of the world, but would have been revealed on Twitter a month before nowadays, Lex Luger (who was with WWF as of literally the night before.) comes out to the entrance ramp looking billowy as ever, as Bischoff comically urges to ‘GET THAT CAMERA OFF OF HIM’!

Meanwhile, Sting and Flair have a Sting and Flair match. These guys were magical together.

Arn Anderson then comes out to the ring, albeit to much less fanfare.

Mongo suggests Luger was getting something to eat at Pastamania.

Sting jaws with Arn, as Flair chops Sting’s legs down, and we go to the figure four, but Sting powers out. Flair holds the ropes too long, gets the DQ, which prompts Arn to hit the ring, and a melee breaks out!

As the craziness dies down, SCOTT NORTON comes over to the announce table and gets in Mongo’s face! Macho Man cuts him off and they jaw jack. Macho challenges him to a match RIGHT NOW! Holy crap.

Norton goes to follow Macho into the ring, but Bischoff and Doug Dillinger give him the boot.

Bischoff informs us that we are going to have a look at the incoming Sabu!

Back from break, Gene is in the ring to congratulate the winner of the Harley-Davidson sweepstakes. I’ll just leave this here as a tribute to Hot Rockin’ Gene Okerlund. We hardly knew ye.

Bischoff plugs this week’s Saturday Night, which will feature Johnny B. Badd vs. Dick Slater, and Macho Man and Sting taking on the Blue Bloods!

We are then thrown to an introduction vignette for Michael Wallstreet (please hold IRS-CPA jokes, plz)!

wallstreet

Nvm. He makes an IRS reference, so I guess I’m safe.

He calls the ‘new generation’ the ‘few generation’. Hot cakes.

Out next is Big Bubba Rogers, who will be taking on Hulk Hogan!

On a short break, Macho Man joins us for a very amusing Slim Jim commercial.

While Hogan comes to the ring, we are informed that Macho Man and Scott Norton will have a match next week on Nitro!

Bobby finally calls Mongo ‘McNuggets’ to his face, a true Worldstar Hip Hop moment.

Bubba falls victim to a the later-famed Triple H spot. Exposing the business.

Speaking of which, Randy Anderson appears to go for a later-famed ‘tower spot’, but thinks better of it.

Hogan wins with a leg drop.

The Dungeon of Doom hit the ring, but Lex Luger comes in for the save!

Hogan and Luger square off in the ring, and get in each other’s face a bit. Sting and Macho come out to squash the beef, as Hogan tells Luger to go back where he came from, no doubt a precursor to Hogan’s later, umm, cultural dilemmas.

Mean Gene comes in to figure out what’s going on.

Luger says he’s here to take the WCW title. He makes some vague references to not wanting to play around with kids anymore, which I hope is a cheap shot at WWF, but, you know.

Hogan tells Luger to shake his hand with his stinky palm, and he’ll defend the title against him next week on Nitro! They then shove each other a little more as we cut to the announcer’s table. But. Wait.

mongodog

Mongo inexplicably has a dog.

We’re outta here!

Asset of the night: Arn Anderson for being a total badass.

For CPA’s Audit of the Week, check out your fiscally fetch hero taking on the New York State Athletic Commission!

That’s all from here. Fill out your customer review card. We don’t read them; we just count how many syllables you used.

I’m on most social platforms at @cpawrestles. Catch me doing the big wrestles for WrestlePro this Saturday at St. Joe’s Church in Keyport, NJ, and then Sunday in Brooklyn for Tier 1 Wrestling, as well as many other places I will periodically update my social handles with (assuming you choose to follow me). Calc-ya-later!

 

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Taxing Thoughts: WCW Saturday Night 9/2/1995

I’m the Abominable CPA (@cpawrestles on most social platforms): independent wrestling superstar*, and emotional punching bag to the massive men and women I lock horns with in armories and high school gyms around the country.

* for formalities more than anything else

We return to the way-back machine to the September 2nd, 1995 (one hour) edition of WCW Saturday Night, hosted by our Saturday Night specials: Tony Schiavone and Bobby ‘the Brain’ Heenan, from Center Stage Theater in Atlanta, GA (rumors that Center Stage was located on Badstreet are unsubstantiated)!

We start with a look back to Ric Flair’s lambasting of Arn Anderson from last week. So hyped watching this. Like. 6 to 12.

Speaking of Ric Flair, he’s sassy and fired up for some wrestles!

Flair’s opponent tonight, from Texas City, Texas, Barry Houston!

barryhouston

Bobby calls Steve McMichael “Steve McNuggets.” Bobby is very salty about being left off the Monday Nitro broadcast team.

Flair is really all fired up, and grabs a chair to use on Houston, but referee Randy Anderson grabs it from him before he can perform Ass to Faces on his prone victim.

Ric does more eye-poking than Maxwell Jacob Feinstein and I did in that classic at the birthday party a few months ago. True story.

Flair gets the quick duke with a figure four pin (even though Bill Watts would have fired the ref on the spot, counting the three with the guy’s shoulders off the floor).

This pin exposes the business. I’m calling Jim Ross.

We cut to Eric Bischoff and Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael at Planet Hollywood in the Mall of America (where the debut episode of Monday Nitro will take place)!

mcnuggers

Mongo says stuff about tuning in to Nitro.

Back to Flair joining Mean Gene Okerlund at the ramp.

Flair says him and Arn have been to the moon, and risen from the dead. If Flair’s drinking tales are even half true, I am inclined to believe this accusation.

Have I mentioned how fired up Flair is?

He already learned all the words to the new White Zombie album

Coming up, we have Big Bubba Rogers against a pre-taped (huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh) Hacksaw Jim Duggan!

Mean Gene shills the WCW Hotline!

hotline

Braves commercial. Ugh.

Back to Tony talking up Mongo, while Bobby stirs the shit.

Out next is Flyin’ Brian (still with badass theme that you will be forced to listen to every time he has a match here).

His opponent tonight is Otis Apollo!

otisapollo

If I do my DeNiro face, they’ll give me a blank check

Picture in picture of Johnny B. Badd talking smack about what a bad man he is in a manner eerily similar to the rants from Nitro on Playstation.

johnny

“Pick me for a baaaddddd time!”

Brian wins in a minute or so with a tornado DDT (which Bobby calls a Whirlybird :s)

Back to Mongo and Bischoff at Planet Hollywood, joined by a very purple Sting!

purple sting

I never wanted to be no weekend warrior

Sting and Flair will have a match on Nitro, and Sting threatens to eat Flair.

Coming soon is, holy crap, Disco Inferno!!!!~

Back from break, we have Sgt. Craig Pittman against Terry Morgan!

terrymorgan

Tony talks about how Disco Inferno is a sign of WCW bringing in the top wrestling stars from around the world.

Meanwhile, Bobby says he’s gonna go to Monday Nitro and give McMichael what-for!

Sarge wins with the Code Red cross armbreaker in a minute or so.

Shoot over to Planet Hollywood with Bischoff and Mongo, who calls Heenan ‘Bobby the Hyena’!

They are joined by Macho Man Randy Savage, who has a Chris Farley-like flush to his face.

macho

We’re gonna show…

Still to come, Hacksaw Jim Duggan!

Also, WCW is on the road!

florence

Also, (*SPOILER ALERT*), Glacier is a baseball fan!

glacier

I’m sure he could also find a solution to the Mets’ current interior meltdown, but I’ll leave that up to Joe to get to the bottom of

fallbrawlcontrol

Back from break, we go to the Fall Brawl Control Center, hosted by Mean Gene Okerlund!

Rundown of the card (Hulkamaniacs vs. Dungeon of Doom, Harlem Heat vs. Buck and Slater for the tag titles, Renegade vs. DDP for the TV title, Arn Anderson vs. Ric Flair, Sgt. Craig Pittman vs. Cobra), including quick words from both DDP and Renegade!

This Monday: the debut of Monday Nitro on TNT!~

Back from break, Gene is on WCW hotline shill duty, which as always you can access by calling 1-900-909-9900 ($1.49 per minute; kids, get your parents’ permission before calling, where Gene teases a major star signing with WCW!

I think we already took care of that news, Gene

Hype for tomorrow night’s Main Event, where Brian Pillman and Marcus Alexander Bagwell will fight it out, with the winner getting a match with Jushin ‘Thunder’ Liger on Monday Nitro!

Out next is is Harlem Heat with an injured Sister Sherri!

Mongo responds to Bobby (while calling him ‘Bobby the Stain’), saying that there are two things you never do in life: play leapfrog with a unicorn, and mess with Mongo!

The Heat are up against Tim Horner and Steve Armstrong of Armstrong family fame.

Horner is awesome, as always. I even wrote in to Jim Cornette’s show recently to tell him so, and he didn’t completely bury me. Should have sent him some of my recent work.

At ringside, Sherri is obsessively caressing her necklace that she may or may not have stolen from Colonel Parker!

Heat wins with an Axe Kick. Sherri does not involve herself in the match at all, which draws the ire of the Heat. DEPTH~

Coming soon, we will take a look at Disco Inferno!

Back from the break, we go back to Planet Hollwood with Bischoff and Mongo joined by Hulk Hogan!

It’ll be Hogan and Big Bubba Rogers on Monday Nitro. Hogan says he has a Pastamania pump. Hogan seems intent on proving himself to Mongo.

Speaking of which, out next is our main event of Big Bubba Rogers against Hacksaw Jim Duggan!

bubba

Bubba says he’s gonna take Duggan’s board and stick it where the sun don’t shine, which I assume means SunTrust Park.

Bobby and Tony pontificate over Duggan’s storied tape-fisted fighting lineage, as Evad Sullivan sits in the crowd with a bunny.

Apparently, DDP only kidnapped Ralph the Rabbit. He did NOT kill him. Apologies for the fake news (trigger warning).

Evad uses Bubba’s rabbit allergies against him.

Bobby says it’s a skunk, as Hacksaw tapes his fists, which prompts a disqualification from the ref. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Cut to Mean Gene, joined by the Taskmaster Kevin Sullivan. They talk about the stipulation for War Games where, if the Hulkamaniacs beat the Dungeon of Doom, Hogan gets Sullivan alone in the ring.

Sullivan says that, while Hogan will destroy him if it happens, Hogan has an evil living inside of him, and sends us home with a maniacal laugh.

Asset of the night: Kevin Sullivan for scaring the shit out of me.

For CPA’s Audit of the Week, check out your fiscally fetch hero taking on one of the most underrated guys on the independent scene today: Alex Reynolds. One of my favorite matches so far. Like for thoughts; share for prayers!~

That’s all from here. Fill out your customer review card. We don’t read them; we just count how many syllables you used.

I’m on most social platforms at @cpawrestles. Catch me doing the big wrestles for WrestlePro on 5/20 at the Rahway Rec Center in Rahway, NJ (obviously, I hope), as well as many other places I will periodically update my social handles with (assuming you choose to follow me). Calc-ya-later!52017_mobile

Taxing Thoughts: WCW Saturday Night 8/26/1995

I’m the Abominable CPA (@cpawrestles on most social platforms): independent wrestling superstar*, and emotional punching bag to the massive men and women I lock horns with in armories and high school gyms around the country.

* for formalities more than anything else

We return to the way-back machine to the August 26th, 1995 edition of WCW Saturday Night, hosted by our Saturday Night specials: Tony Schiavone and Bobby ‘the Brain’ Heenan, from Center Stage Theater in Atlanta, GA (rumors that Center Stage was located on Badstreet are unsubstantiated)!

First up, we get a recap of the bad blood brewing between Ric Flair and Arn Anderson, stemming from last week’s faceoff between the two!

First up, we get the in-ring debut of Sgt. Craig Pittman’s nemesis, the sassy Marine ninja: Cobra (vs. Tom Burton!)

tomburton

Burton has the ‘bass player from Van Halen’ modern day haircut. Cobra, despite showing off his military greens in vignettes, is wearing elucha.com special black and red tights. Cobra is actually the guy who eventually became the nWo Sting. Also known as ‘Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer (not this guy.) Cobra gets the duke with a cool Cobra Clutch Slam. No sweet karate moves, unfortunately. Bobby pretends to understand the Morse code that comprises Cobra’s entrance theme.

Tony informs us tonight, we will get Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Alex Wright challenging Bunkhouse Buck and Dick Slater!

Cut to ‘Mean’ Gene Okerlund with Cobra on the ramp. Cobra lays down the challenge to Sarge for Fall Brawl. He says only he and Craig know what the deal is with their beef.

Up next: my NJ Transit buddy (once; true story), Johnny B. Badd!

Commercial for Hulk Hogan’s Harley Davidson sweepstakes starring ‘Judas’ Gene Okerlund heading out to the highway on a motorcycle!

My copy of the episode has a commercial for a Braves merchandise catalog. Ugh.

We’re back with the multitasking millennium man ‘Mean’ Gene at the Fall Brawl Control Center!

fallbrawlcontrol

As per previous knowledge, the main event will be Hogan, Vader, Macho Man, and Sting, known as the Hulkamaniacs, against Kevin Sullivan, Shark, Kamala, Zodiac Man, and Meng! If the Hulkamaniacs win, Hogan gets Sullivan all by himself in the ring! Also, Harlem Heat against Buck and Slater, and Johnny B. Badd against Brian Pillman for a shot at the United States Championship.

Newly announced, we’ll have Renegade defending the Television Title against Diamond Dallas Page (no doubt, the match that really solidified him as a Hall of Famer)! Further, Ric Flair and Arn Anderson will go one-on-one! As we learned previously, Cobra and Sgt. Pittman will have their long-awaited match, and complete with a message from Sarge! Apparently, he is ready!

Back to the ring, here comes Johnny B. Badd! You don’t wanna make him mad! He’s out here (throwing frisbees to the crowd) (if anyone has any leads on said frisbees, @cpawrestles, plz) to open up a Badd Blaster on this guy (unannounced):

guy

Apparently, his name is ‘the Grappler’, played by my least favorite Saturday Night performance enhancer guy, Tony Vincent, who is also Marc Mero’s brother! The things you learn from cagematch.net.

Tony proclaims that “the thing about Badd is: he’s always in a good mood.” He was in a good mood the time I met him, so I’ll take Tony’s assertion as fact.

Anyway. Johnny out-grapples the Grappler.

Cut to Gene, joined by Badd on the ramp. Badd’s entire being is on fleek.

jhonny

Brian Pillman comes to aggressively shake Badd’s hand. DEPTH.

If you don’t wanna end up sad, don’t shake Johnny B.’s hand

Later tonight, we’ll have Bunkhouse Buck, Dirty Dick, and Colonel Robert Parker!

stable

Recap of Kurasawa breaking Road Warrior Hawk’s arm.

Kurasawa comes to the ring (with Colonel Parker) to break the hoof of one PONY JOHNSON!

pony

Stay golden

A guy I wrestle with ‘Black Stallion’ Delroy Alexander, has some legit competition in the Equestrianweight Classic that I will now officially be booking and promoting.

As an added bonus, we find out a minute or so later that Pony has a lovely mane.

ponytail

Kurasawa puts the Pony down in short order with a Japanese Armbar, as medical staff hits the ring to check on the downed steed. I say ‘nay’ to this turn of events.

Tony informs us we will be taken to the Dungeon of Doom when we return from commercial break!

kamala

1-900-454-4545 for the Harley sweepstakes!

Back to the Dungeon, where Meng and Kevin Sullivan are with the Master, who has a box in his hand. Said box contains a golden spike, which the Master places upon Meng’s hand!

Out comes Kamala (with creepy music as always) (with Kevin Sullivan) as Kurasawa is leaving the ring to probably eat his opponent for the night: ‘Playboy’ Buddy Starr!

playboy

The extra R is for ‘ratings’

Some kid in the crowd steals the show with his Kamala impersonation:

Kurasawa and Kamala make the eyes as the match is about to start. Kamala does the ‘pin the guy the wrong way’ trick. I find it hard to believe that savages don’t know how to pin someone correctly after wrestling for 20-something years. Kamala wins with a splash. Sullivan puts the boots to Starr just for good measure.

Up next is Vader, who still seems to have trouble communicating with people effectively!

Vader is out to kill Tracy Benton!

tracybenton

Predictably, he kills Benton dead in a minute or so.

We cut to Gene on the ramp with Vader, who has his singlet on backwards. Many say it was a fashion error on Vader’s part, but I believe it was a tactical move, as if it’s on his back, you won’t know it’s Vader Time until it’s too late.

vaderbackwards

Vader talks smack to Ric Flair and Arn Anderson. Vader says that his word to Hogan to face the Dungeon of Doom is ‘wrestler’s honor’. However, Vader also reminds us that he has unfinished business with Hogan and Sting.

Coming up, we have Harlem Heat, and most definitely with Sister Sherri.

Back from break, we have an in-depth dating profile video with Arn Anderson.

arnanderson

“Flair is a 25-year subscriber to both Playboy, and the New Yorker magazine”

Arn says that everything he has ever accomplished has been for the benefit of those around him, and that Flair overlooked him. Promises that he will earn Flair’s respect after the match at Fall Brawl.

Out is Harlem Heat with Sister Sherri, who immediately ducks out as soon as they leave the entranceway. Heat’s opponents tonight are Barry Houston and Bobby Hayes.

houstonhayes

Scuttlebutt is that Sherri is in love with Colonel Parker.

Sherri comes back out applying liberal doses of lipstick. She now has not only a ring on her finger, but a new necklace.

Bobby: “Boy, would they (Sherri and Parker) have beautiful children. I can just see all the little colonels running around with their big hats.”

Booker gets the win with an awesome Harlem Hangover. Sherri pauses putting on lipstick to join Heat in the ring for celebration.

Up next: Renegade!~

Also, coinciding with the podcast I’m representing on this little blog of mine, Sylvester Stallone’s ‘Nighthawks’ is up next on TBS!

nighthawks

Out next is YOUR World Television Champion, Renegade, out to open up the ultimate can of whoopass on Ray Hudson!

rayhudson

It must have been a requirement of WCW performance enhancers to have cool hair

Renegade wins in seconds with a flying splash!

Recap of the Giant (he later went on to have a cup of coffee on the WWE) confronting Hulk Hogan at Bash at the Beach! Basically, the guise was that Giant was Andre the Giant’s son, and came out to throw what was meant to be Andre’s old shirt at Hogan to play some fetch-ass (I know; it’s not gonna happen) ~mind games~.

“I’ve been dirty all my life, and Buck’s been stinkin’ all his life, so that makes us stinkin’ dirty!”

These guys are the fudging best!

stud

National Treasures: Dick Slater, Colonel Parker, and Bunkhouse Buck

We come back to a recap from this morning on WCW Pro, where Hacksaw Jim Duggan, quote Tony Schiavone, “broke bad.” Basically, Duggan wrapped all the electrical tape from the entranceway around his fist and punched Big Bubba. Duggan then does an interview with (I think) Chris Cruise, where he says he’s taking it back to the Duggan heritage, to which Cruise implies that he’s referring to his great-grandmother in County Cork, Ireland, who was apparently a taped fist champion back in the day. Duggan corrects him, saying it was his GREAT-GREAT-grandmother, and she won it after going 26 rounds with the grandfather. He closes by saying ‘taped fists are running wild in WCW’. I’m SOOOO excited for this.

Back to the 6:05, out come Lord Steven Regal and Earl Robert Eaton: the Blue Bloods!

bluebloods

This guy always has the best signs:

bluebums

Their opponents tonight:

italianstallion

Not really sure which one is which

The Blue Bloods get the win with a Regal Stretch.

Up next, the Hulkamaniacs prepare for WAR!

Wildcat Willie cameo!~

We get a hype video for the Hulkamaniacs-Dungeon of Doom War Games match leading into Fall Brawl, which includes last week’s Broken Skull Challenge with Vader doing a backflip!

ICYMI

Out next is Diamond Dallas Page (with the Diamond Doll) (without Maxx Muscle, sadly) to take on the Baddest Dad on the Planet:

maniac2

Runs all night; runs alright!

I hope these Maniac Magee references don’t alienate anyone.

The crowd is chanting ‘ZERO’, in reference to the Doll holding up grading cards for all of Page’s moves.

Oddly enough, Doll doesn’t have the cards, much to Page’s chagrin.

Maniac takes a maniacal ass whipping, culminating in a maniacal Diamond Cutter. What a maniac.

Page talks trash to Renegade after the match.

Mean Gene is at the ramp with Diamond Dallas Page and the Diamond Doll. Gene is also concerned with Maxx Muscle’s absence. Page gives no explanation, but says that Renegade cheated to beat him last week. He ends it by saying that he wears gold everywhere on his body, and Renegade is gonna put gold around his waist. Gene is all flustered at Diamond Doll.

Up next is the greatest tag team of all time: Bunkhouse Buck and Dick Slater (with Colonel Robert Parker)!

braves

Ugh

Back with Gene, who is joined by Ric Flair on the ramp!

Ric sums it up by saying that after all the incredible things they’ve been together, Arn is now stepping up to find out if he is an equal to Ric Flair. Made me wanna see the match even more.

Out next are the faces that run the place!

WCW vs. nWo Revenge entrance models

Buck and Slater (with Colonel Parker) come out to face Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Alex Wright!

Sherri comes out wearing her special dress (which oddly looks like her normal Harlem Heat dress) to flirt with Parker. Parker says she stole her Elvis Presley ring (which Elvis personally gave to him),  before planting a dreaded liplock on him!

She then chases Parker into the ring, he trips on the ref, who calls for a DQ. She then continues her chase into the stands as the show comes to a close.

Asset of the night: Ric Flair gets the duke again simply for really putting an exclamation mark on why the match between him and Arn is so significant.

Honorable mention to Pony Johnson for name and mane.

For CPA’s Audit of the Week, check out my battle against the prehistoric badass known as Caveman! I badly dislocated (?) (I think) my knee during the match, which explains my surly demeanor. I’m normally a really okay guy, as the first few minutes of the match will evidence:

That’s all from here. Fill out your customer review card. We don’t read them; we just count how many syllables you used.

I’m on most social platforms at @cpawrestles. Catch me doing the big wrestles for WrestlePro on 4/29 at Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ, as well as other places I will periodically update my social handles with (assuming you choose to follow me). Calc-ya-later!

C9D_o47XkAA7rnZ

Taxing Thoughts: WCW Saturday Night 8/19/1995

I’m the Abominable CPA: independent wrestling superstar*, and emotional punching bag to the massive men and women I lock horns with in armories and high school gyms around the country.

* for formalities more than anything else

I’m a huge fan of all things WCW, and asked Joe and Gomez to give me a platform to educate the masses on the likes of the Gambler, ‘Hole In One’ Barry Darsow, and the Dungeon of Doom.

I’ll warn you that this is not a ‘review’ of the show, per se, as there are enough uninitiated voices who are all too willing to review shows for the purpose of trashing them, or deciding whether their contemporary view of what wrestling is supposed to be deems the shows worthy of viewership. It is simply me revisiting a simpler time when wrestling was fun and wrestling television more resembled the things we all grew to know and love about our fine sport. Plus, pro wrestlers shouldn’t be critiquing shows publicly, because they look like silly billys when they do.

We go in the way-back machine to the August 19th, 1995 edition of WCW Saturday Night, hosted by Tony Schiavone and Bobby ‘the Brain’ Heenan, in front of a probably mostly touristy crowd at Center Stage Theatre in Atlanta, Georgia.

We get a recap of Vader and Hulk Hogan agreeing to put their long-labored rivalry aside to take on the Dungeon of Doom at Fall Brawl War Games in Vader’s locker room. Vader’s ‘I’M GONNA GET IN THE SHOWER’ go-home line alone makes this a winner.

WCW’s writing team wanted to tap into the ‘friend zone’ market

Sgt. Craig Pittman vs. Steve Storm: Pittman’s old Marine Corps buddy Cobra has been taunting Pittman as of late via vignettes where he does sweet karate moves:

We learn that Renegade will defend his TV Title against MAXX MUSCLE tonight. Goddammit, I miss WCW.

Sarge does a cool move involving push-ups and basic military humility

Next time I see Ryback, I have to tell him about this variant of the burpee

Sarge decimates poor Storm’s arm, and eventually gets the duke with a Code Red cross-armbreaker.

We get another Cobra vignette. Tony reminds us that the mere mention of him last week made Pittman throw up. Cobra is one sassy ninja Marine.

Sarge joins Bobby and Tony on the set. He refuses to talk about Cobra, and awkwardly backs away when they bring him up. DEPTH.

Coming up, we have a screaming Ric Flair (with distracting Arn Anderson) against Alex Wright!

ricarn

Nasty Boys vs. two guys who get canned before they even get name graphics (further research concludes that they do, in fact, have names). One of them looks like the child of Ox Baker and Horace Hogan, if that gives you a good mental aid.

Nastys are hell for leather on these guys because they’re bent on getting the tag titles, and call out all the other contending teams several times while their opponents are collecting their entrails shortly behind. Heenan cries blasphemy over Vader and Hogan shaking hands, despite Hogan no-selling Vader’s gesture. Nastys win by actually killing a man in the middle of the ring with what I’ve dubbed the Shithouse Elbow from Sags.

Nastys catch up with Mean Gene on the ramp to talk the tag team title scene. Knobbs proclaims “NICE GUYS FINISH LASK!” They’re going back to their old, nasty ways. I saw Knobbs at a liquor store in Orlando last week. I can assure you: this change in attitude stuck for good.

Up next: we’ll have Marcus Alexander Bagwell (Stars ‘N’ Stripes variation)!

But first, we cut to Mean Gene in the Fall Brawl Control Center!

fallbrawlcontrol

The main event is slated to be Hulk Hogan, Sting, Randy Savage, and Vader against PTBNL (baseball reference) from the Dungeon of Doom! Also, we’ll have (personal favorites) Bunkhouse Buck and Dirty Dick Slater (with best manager ever, Colonel Robert Parker) defending the tag titles against Harlem Heat (with Sister Sherri). Story here has been Parker trying to woo Sherri. What simple times we lived in. Lastly, Brian Pillman and Johnny B. Badd will face off for a shot at the United States championship!

Back from break for my Cody Rhodes List match of the night: ‘White Lightning’ Tim Horner against Marcus Alexander Bagwell.

horner

If he were any more white meat, he’d be an actual child

This match is awesome. I have a weird man crush on Tim Horner as a wrestler dating back to when I first watched his SMW stuff. I’m sure most people would think it boring and ineffectual, but eff them; I like a fun, needlessly creative match from time to time (all the time).

Bobby pokes fun at Horner being from Morristown, TN, claiming that he can eat 16 gallons of grits before the waiter gets to him:

Tony: “You need to leave the people from Tennessee alone. How come you don’t rip on anybody from Bucksnort, Tennessee?”

Bobby: “The capital?”

Match is still awesome. Horner is still to die for. We will find out the new member of the Dungeon of Doom after this. Not that I necessarily want this match to end, but this whole segment is becoming a cruel mistress. The Bag Man (Heenan’s nickname, not mine) wins with a Fisherman’s Suplex.

Still to come: Kurasawa (AND Colonel Robert Parker!)!

kurasawa

Back from break, and we cut to the Dungeon of Doom, where Kevin Sullivan and Master Curtis Iaukea are set to introduce the newest member of the group: it’s Goldar from Power Rangers!

Actually, it’s Meng. I’m sorry. Meng had been brought in as a heavy by Colonel Parker, but I guess decided to take a journey to the darker side after losing a U.S. title match too many to Sting.

Back to reality, it’s Kurasawa (with Colonel Robert Parker) coming out to Meng’s old music against the Baddest Dad on the Planet:

maniac

Like Maniac Magee if he liked Rolos instead of butterscotch krimpets

Kurasawa is still wrestling in 2017, btw. And he’s 50.

Kurasawa recently broke Road Warrior Hawk’s arm, so Tony questions how we let a man like him into the USA. Kamala literally ate people. I think Tony has his work cut out for him here. Maniac maniacally gets his ass beat by Kurasawa, and loses to a maniacal armbar. What a maniac.

My copy of this episode has the old Ed O’Neill 1-800-COLLECT commercial.

Back from break, and here’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan coming out, while Kurasawa is still in the ring meditating. Duggan’s opponent, Red Tyler, is there looking dreadfully confused.

redtyler

Duggan wins with the Three-Point Stance clothesline. We learn that the Emmy Award-winning commentator for the debut of Monday Nitro will be Steve McMichael. Bobby is incensed.

Vignette for the big War Games match. As great as it is, I can’t find video of it, so I’ll just include a clip of Hogan staging an early version of the Broken Skull Challenge starring Vader and Sting, which includes Vader backflipping off of an apparent wall of explosives!

Commercial for a Harley Davidson sweepstakes. Call 1-900-454-4545 to enter.

Winterfresh commercial reminds me of the time my mom gave me $2 before I went to school and I spent all of it on Winterfresh and got yelled at for it.

Back from break for Harlem Heat with Sister Sherri.

Tony suggests that Sherri hit her head too hard when she kissed Colonel Parker at the Clash of the Champions last week. Their opponents are John Taylor and famous Mick Foley tag partner, Larry Santo.

santo

Santo is actually good (like many of the WCW performance enhancers were), but he’s a Santo sandwich here for the Heat. Sherri comes wandering out with that Mallrats glow on her, wearing a big ring on her finger. Stevie lets out a good “ghooooooo” grunt trying to get a dead weight Taylor up for a suplex. Heat wins with a Heat Attack (seewhatIdidtherehuhhuhhuh).

Mean Gene with Bunkhouse Buck, Dirty Dick Slater, and Colonel Parker. Parker christens Sherri ‘Ol’ Twinkle Eyes’, and chastises her for suddenly catching feelings for him, despite him initiating this courtship. Slater makes things all serious and talks about wrestling and stuff, and says something about them feeling like the south side of a dog pile of puke (or at least that’s what it SOUNDED like). Bunkhouse Buck continues to be my triple main man.

Up next is Brian Pillman!

Also, up next on TBS (not sure if this was ‘Movies for Guys Who Like Movies’ era yet), is Big Jake starring John Wayne!

Flyin’ Brian is out to one of the best entrance songs ever, ‘Blondes Have More Fun’, against his surly looking opponent, Sonny Trout:

sonnytrout

Tony and Bobby pontificate over what kind of a competitor Maxx Muscle will be tonight against Renegade. Sonny has ‘Southern Posse’ written on the legs of his trunk pants, which got me doing some research. It was a team seemingly exclusive to WCW and various outlaw promotions in Florida. Furthermore, they hold the distinction of having a guy who comes to the ring and plays harmonica for their entrance. Outlaw wrestling is the best.

Anyway. Pillman does cool Pillman stuff, and sends Sonny and his harmonica packing back to the old posse back in Florida.

Mean Gene is at the ramp with unfortunately not John Popper, but Flyin’ Brian.  Says some words about tempers flying with Johnny at Fall Brawl.

‘Up next: Renegade!!!~

Back to Gene with DDP, Max Muscle, and the Diamond Doll. DDP and Dave (also known as Evad) (he’s dyslexic, ya see) Sullivan are still feuding over the affections of the Doll/DDP killing Evad’s bunny (Ralph, in case you were curious), and Renegade got involved for no particular reason on WCW Pro recently. DDP claims he pulled a groin muscle, so he can’t compete tonight, and is sending in Maxx to sort things out

Back from Slim Jim and Hot Pockets commercials, we have, from MUSCLE BEACH, Maxx Muscle coming out to the ring for his TV Title match against Renegade.

max

Renegade comes to the ring with Jimmy Hart and completely bum-rushes Max for a very quick win.

Up next: Ric Flair vs. Alex Wright!!!

We’re back with Gene shilling tomorrow night’s Main Event episode, which has a main event (no capitals) of Evad Sullivan against Big Bubba Rogers!

Flair comes out with Arn Anderson (wearing a tye-dye shirt!). Alex Wright comes out with no shirt because money doesn’t need one.

Tony notes how casual Arn looks at ringside. Alex looks like a new man facing Flair here. As Bobby might say, he has some extra schnitzel (I think that’s a proper German reference) in his strikes and movement. Video starts to short out, so I can only assume Slenderman joined the Horsemen at some point during this match. Don’t go to cagematch.net for reference on that one. Let’s just go with ‘it definitely happened’.

Flair gets a Figure Four on, and of course, Bobby taunts him, yelling, “do you quit? Nein?” Hilarity.

Slenderman keeps coming out to the ring. Alex was like 18 here, so I think he falls under Slendy’s jurisdiction.

Miraculously, Alex is able to fight the clutches of the ‘Man, and keep fighting it out with Flair. Arn continues to be Weekend At Bernie’s casual as can be, which causes Flair to confront him at ringside for not helping him win the match a little bit.

Finally, Flair wins with the rope assist gimmick I thought never actually worked:

Flair is all indignant with Arn because he didn’t help, and Arn is all ‘I told you Slenderman was gonna come help. You should have trusted me’.

Cut to Gene on the ramp with Flair and Arn, but the video is all staticky with no sound, so I’m now convinced he’s in my house.

Sound comes back, and Arn says he wants to see the killer Ric Flair again. Arn walks off, indicating a possible showdown in the near future. Flair says he’s taking a taxi home. With that shirt, I think Arn is actually driving said taxi.

arndye

Show closes with the video file ending abruptly.

Asset of the night: Toss-up between Ric Flair and Tim Horner. Both showed exemplary qualities of teaching the greenhorns how to deduct more from less.

That’s all from here. Hope this has been fun for you as it has been for me. Leave feedback and all that.

I’m on most social platforms at @cpawrestles. Catch me at WrestlePro on 4/29 at Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, NJ, as well as other places I will periodically update my social handles with (assuming you choose to follow me). Calc-ya-later!