Welcome back to another absurd cartoon selection on Car JoeMez! Remember to listen, subscribe, rate and review our weekly show, The Car JoeMez Podcast, on iTunes, Soundcloud or other fine purveyors of podcasts.
Today, we’re going to watch an episode of ProStars. The show debuted in 1991 and also concluded in 1991 with a total of only 13 episodes. I was ten years-old at the time and was super excited for this show to come out. I’ve always been a huge sports fan and the thought of seeing Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson (who was and is one of my all-time favorite athletes) team up to fight crime and help kids through the magic of an animated Saturday morning cartoon turned me into a bundle of excitement.
Looking back, I don’t remember the actual show overly well, but I do remember that I knew it wasn’t great and I tried to convince myself that it was. After all, how could something be bad with these guys involved?! They wouldn’t lend their names to anything bad! It was also heartbreaking to watch the show and find out that neither Gretz, MJ nor Bo did the voices for their characters. What a fucking kick to balls that was.
If memory serves, these episodes were usually buffered by a few live-action videos of the actual Bo and Wayne in a studio wearing ProStars varsity jackets as if they were sitting next to each other, meanwhile Michael Jordan was obviously just giving the producers 30 seconds of time after practice or something because you could tell he just didn’t want to be bothered. You know who would have been great on this show? Randy “Macho Man” Savage! My god, just imagine him saving the environment and dropping the big elbow on polluters. That’s the kind of cartoon I want to watch.
So ProStars only lasted 13 episodes and this one falls smack dab in the middle of that run. Let’s go back in the time machine and see if it’s as uninspiring as I remember.
ProStars: E.6: “Brazil Nuts”
Originally Aired: I don’t know! The internet doesn’t seem to have that information.
We get the opening credits which is pretty lame, but one thing the especially bothers me is that they have Wayne Gretzky shooting right-handed! Everybody knows The Great One was lefty shot. Oh god, this is going to make me fucking miserable, I can feel it already.
We open at ProStar Headquarters with the three guys on stationary bikes and in comes Mom: an old lady with like a combination German/Jewish accent who makes all their tech. She’s hyped because the boys are going on a mission to Brazil because there are reports of earthquakes in the Amazon Rainforest. A famous singer has gone missing there when he was supposed to be playing a charity concert to benefit the rainforest and Wayne has non-refundable tickets to his show next month so it’s imperative they find him.
Also, for no discernible reason, Wayne Gretzky is always fucking hungry. They have basically written him like he’s Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. This sucks.
The ProStars arrive in the rainforest by helicopter and are greeted by a local boy named Paco who usually helps hikers climb the tallest mountains. It’s sinking now because of all the seismic activity and the ProStars need to figure out why since damage in the rainforest can affect the whole world! I, for one, am completely confident in leaving the fate of global warming in Michael Jordan’s capable hands. I really hope Craig Ehlo turns out to be the bad guy in this just so MJ can embarrass him and leave him with that stinkface on at the end again.
The Stars are all caught in booby traps almost immediately by a group of…I dunno…maybe like Federalis like the ones the A-Team always used to have to battle while in Nicaragua. They escape easily and Bo Jackson uses infrared glasses to see the villain who is masked in a mineral that makes things appear invisible on touch. They track the evil Captain Impanema into a mine shaft where they discover Van Carosi, the captured singer and his band. They’re able to free him because they’re the fucking ProStars and then go looking for Impanema.
Look. At this point, shit gets full on ridiculous. There’s a close call with a school of man-eating piranhas, and then a plan to stop invisible construction equipment hellbent on destroying the rain forest. Wayne activates the roller blades in his sneakers to lure Captain Impanema (who bears a spitting resemblance to M. Bison of Street Fighter 2 fame) into a trap of their own where they finally…um…stop him from bulldozing the rain forest and force him to use an air pump to raise the mountain back to its appropriate height while Van Carosi sings a song about the ProStars because, obviously, I don’t hate everybody involved in this episode enough already.
Jesus Christ why did this exist?
I hate each of these athletes so fucking much right now. And that’s a tough task because I love Bo Jackson so, so very much. They really went above and beyond the call of duty to make me turn heel on them in the span of 22 minutes.
This show is really bad. It’s corny and cheesy and lacks any charm. No wonder this didn’t last more than 13 episodes. Even that much feels like a stretch.
I’m not going to act too disappointed as it’s not like I was expecting to love this. Thankfully, my hatred of this episode will have no affect on my memories of my childhood. If this show does anything right, it’s that I never loved it beyond just the concept as a kid so I can hate it now without thinking younger-me was a jerk.
I was able to find most of the episodes on YouTube if you wanna go check them out, but let’s be honest, your time is much better spent elsewhere. Call your mom. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Do a Google search for hentai porn. All better options than watching ProStars.
Hopefully, tomorrow works out better. Thanks for reading.