Daily Cartoon! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles S.3,E.7: “Burne’s Blues”

Welcome to a Sunday edition of TMNT! I actually hit the entire weekend! Go me. Yesterday, we were privy to Shredder and Splinter having their minds swapped because of some infernal machine. By the title alone today, it seems we’re going to get some kind of focus on Burne Thompson, April’s boss and the head of Channel 6.

I’m looking forward to this. We have to get the focus away from just the Turtles and Shredder even if only for a day. There’s only so many machines Krang can want stolen from the surface to be able to bring the Technodrome out from the center of the Earth. So, hopefully, this will be a nice change of pace.

And, with that…

S.3, E.7: “Burne’s Blues”. Original Air Date: 10/27/1989

Plot:

April does a story for Channel 6 news about the Turtles foiling a robbery at an area restaurant. She’s proud of her work, but her boss, Burne Thompson, feels she didn’t do enough. Specifically, that there was no footage of the Turtles themselves. April says that the TMNT asked her not to include footage of them, but Burne says that’s hogwash and that in his day reporters would stop at nothing to get the most important news. Vernon Fenwick, April’s producer, says that Burne’s right and that if he weren’t so old and out of shape, he’d get a real story on the Turtles. Burne takes this a challenge and heads out to do just that.

Meanwhile, April’s investigating an air conditioning repair company since it’s 112 degrees in NYC and every business, home and building that has been serviced by “S&K Repairs” still has faulty units. To make matters even crazier, while it’s hot, hot, hot on the surface, in the sewers it’s cold, cold, cold as there’s even an unexplainable sheet of ice coating the floors of the Turtles lair.

April tracks down the S&K truck and is immediately captured by Bebop who is disguised in a repair man uniform. She’s tied up and brought inside the truck while Shredder FaceTimes with Krang about all the Freon he’s been stealing from the city that they can use to power the Technodrome. Krang says Freon is bollocks and wants him to rob a factory that produces Nutri-Freeze which is 10x more powerful than Freon.

Cut back to Burne and Vernon who have been captured by some mobsters for asking where to find the Turtles.This all seems to be a misunderstanding, however, as there’s a mob boss in town named Don Turtelli – The Turtle. It’s pretty fucking stupid since there’s been stories all over the fucking news for months about four genuine turtles running around NYC stopping crime and palling around. Uhg.

Shredder, his mutants and a group of Foot Soldiers are at the Nutri-Freeze plant and are loading the truck when the TMNT crash the party. After dismissing the Foot Soldiers with ease, Bebop and Rocksteady charge at them with cylinders of Nutri-Freeze while Shredder has a conniption. Leonardo hits them both with a monkey flip and renders them disabled, but Rocksteady’s horn pierces one of the cylinders and freezes a nearby Michelangelo in solid ice. April is heard screaming from the truck, but as the Turtles get near, it turns out to be a trap. Shredder jumps from the van with a cylinder strapped to his back and a vacuum tube used as a gun to spray the other three Turtles in the freeze-gas. He then delivers a line that would have made Arnold Schwarzenegger jealous in Batman & Robin:

“As Michelangelo would say, chill out, dudes.”

Stupendous.

OK, so there’s this running gag going on with Burne and Vern where they have their feet tickled with a feather by mobsters to try to find out what they know. In truth, they know nothing, they were just snooping around in the wrong place. Once the mobsters are satisfied that these two are worthless, they dump them out in an industrial part of town that just so happens to be right where the Nutri-Freeze factory is. Burne is hyped because he’s gonna find the truth about those Turtles when – and I am not kidding when I say this – they are abducted by alien Elvis-es and taken to space where they have their feet tickled with a feather to try to get them to talk.

What this has to do with fucking anything, I have no idea, but it is 100% fucking retarded and I now I’m mad.

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Um…what else? The Turtles track down Shredder, save April and the Nutri-Freeze is blown up underground after those Drill-Trains the bad guys have crash in the sewers.

Burne goes on the air raving like a madman about the Elvis aliens and everybody has pizza.

Final Thoughts:

So, I wasn’t hating this episode by any means. It wasn’t the Burne-centric story I was hoping for, but it wasn’t bad. Burne and Vern get mixed up with the mob…OK, I’m still with it. But then aliens come and abduct the two and they turn out to be Elvises and honestly, this show can go fuck itself.

Zero reason. Zero purpose. Zero entertainment. Fuck you, TMNT. Fuck you so hard. After that, who cares about the rest of the episode? Goddamn, fuck this show. I can’t believe someone put this in. What gets me is that I probably thought this was hilarious as a kid. I don’t know. I definitely don’t remember this episode and that’s a good thing. As an adult I’m hoping to forget it as soon as humanly possible.

Until tomorrow, folks.

❤ Joe

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