Episode-A-Day! MASK, Ep. 16: “The Golden Goddess”

Welcome back to the 16th exciting edition of MASK-A-Day! The pendulum has been swinging on the quality of episodes recently, so today we hope for something better than yesterday. I present to you…Ep. 16, “The Golden Goddess”!


Monks are praying to the god of rain for a bountiful harvest season when suddenly, their pagan god statue disappears. This is part of a chain of pagan god statue robberies that are plaguing Singapore where Matt Trakker just happens to fucking be today. There’s just one more thing to do and you know what it is…DO IT, ROCKAPELLA!

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how sad that performance was at first, but upon watching…oof.

Matt and Bruce are talking to the head of fucking Singapore when he informs them that the celebration of the Golden Goddess is approaching and it is imperative that that statue be protected as it is a symbol of peace and the country would fall to anarchy should it be stolen.

While their chat with President Singapore is going on, Matt and Bruce notice VENOM’s Vanessa Warfield snooping around the Singapore Pentagon/White House combo and Bruce tracks her to the company library where she’s snapping photos of blueprints of the Singapore sewage system. I, for one, am absolute agog (great word) that Singapore actually has a sewage system.

Um…so, yeah, Vanessa spots Bruce and pushes a bookcase on top of him and makes a break for it. Matt and Bruce realize that VENOM is stealing the statues by using extreme heat to melt them down and then collecting the liquid gold through the drainage system. MASK sets out to find the already stolen gold and find that VENOM has been restructuring the gold as pedicabs and loading them on to a ship for transport.

Now, you may say to yourself, “It shouldn’t be too hard to find solid gold pedicabs,” but NO NO NO…the solid gold pedicabs are DISGUISED AS REGULAR PEDICABS! Mind. Blown.

Who the fuck knows or cares what happens after that discovery? Singapore gets their gold back and, thankfully, has the original molds from all their statues so they can remake the missing pagan icons and begin praying for rain or whatever the fuck it was from the beginning.


US Kayla Mc Maroney poses with her silve


Don’t wear headphones while riding a bike or scooter so you can pay attention to your surroundings. Solid advice.

Final Grade:

**. Solid gold statues that melt in seconds and go down a fucking drain. Get lost.

Disappointing. That about sums up today. We continue tomorrow.

❤ Joe

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